Old Man Dance Party

A great Thursday night just past. My fabulous friends Aaron and Dev had their launch party for their socially active clothing line, aujCollections. The clothing line is based around the notion of perpetuating the "old boys club" for young men, and the theme of the party was aptly named the Old Man Dance Party. Located at Social on Queen West, the party consisted of many beautiful people, plenty of free alcohol, and oodles of press types and cameras. Auj had created a scene at the front of the bar to look like a club, complete with persian carpets, brandy, overstuffed leather chairs, a gunrack, etc etc. They'd hired some old men and some models who inhabited the space, smoking pipes, playing golf into a rocks glass, and using the old typewriter. It was all very civilized.

The goal of the event was to welcome the collection to Toronto, and to create the final scene in the reality show featuring Aaron and Dev that will air on Star TV in who knows how many months. For me, it's all very exciting because I get to watch these two very young guys (20 and 22) get increasingly successful, and occasionally drag me along with them! As well, the fact that each item of clothing that they sell comes with a code, which can be used to get mentorship for becoming active in the community, makes me interested in these guys even more! I urge you to check out their site.

Please pardon my changes! They're still in progress.

oops adventure

I'm into how Toronto makes you feel like a perpetual tourist. Just when you think that you know the City like the back of your hand, you find yourself on a bike on a large street you didn't even know existed. And then fast decline and an incline, you're in a bit of urban wilderness that seems so foreign. For a second you realize that you're on a derelict city bike, in quasi- mountain bike conditions. You worry about your breaks. After a brief frisbee stop, you're ready for civilization as you know it again. On the way back into your "comfort zone" you pass markers- a bridge that makes you feel like you're in the city again (your heart quickens), a one-of-a-kind department store that signals your 'hood, and finally, as the rain starts, you're riding comfortably the wrong way down a one way street and into your driveway.

blog introspective

Just read Meryl Evans' article on Five Quick Tips to Building a Better Blog. According to Meryl, there are certain ways to pass the "in the blink of an eye" test, which is usually how long people give to a blog before deciding whether to stay or move on. It's safe to say that I don't pass. But, it's exciting to read about this BLOG WORLD that I occasionally dabble in. And here is the big news: I think I will be increasing my dabble in the next few months. I am working with Canadian Physicians for Aid and Relief (CPAR) who I will work for in Ethiopia to create a blog hosted on their Canadian website to be used to increase the dialogue on development, and try out a new angle for gathering and maintaining donors. So, I am busy at the moment doing blogging research in order to maximize the reach and quality of the blog.

In addition, I intend to upgrade this blog. Thanks to some mentorship from Dev at DreamNow, I have been giving a lot of thought to active creation of my future. The result requires some self marketing. Since my career goals don't fit into a tried-and-true job box, I am working on a website that will act as a business card extension, helping people I meet to really understand my professional intentions. I plan to link this blog, with a new face, and implement Meryl's five tips...and a few others.

Stay tuned!

Messing with Texas

trash, admin and vacations

Oh Dear. I'm afraid I might have had a bit of a trashy week. I am going through a bit of an icecream phase, and I saw the Devil Wears Prada twice (but that counts as career research, given my PA to the developmentally fabulous aspirations), and might have accidentally bought OK mag instead of The Walrus or The Economist (well, I did buy the latter but passed it quickly on to the boyf). I must admit also that there is a recently finished Candice Bushnell novel on my shelf. And then to top it all off, I rented the first season of Desperate Housewives.

But, in the midst of this extremely Western propaganda, I have been making exciting progress on my impending Southern excursion. The task at hand is securing a work permit for Ethiopia (an inch closer- still a very elusive item). I have been pricked with sharp but useful medical objects both to protect and determine my general health (though they are less effective against "wellness"...or rather towards wellness). My Centre for Intercultural Learning course is confirmed ("your request is important to us"- yet still it takes two weeks for them to email me back!) and Ella is giving it a test run for me as we speak. And I have an appointment with the lawyer for Tuesday.

I am about to leave, however, on my so-called Summer Vacation. Destination: Texas. More on that?

There you have it.

the CITY

The city is a great place to be at the moment. The temperature has risen to a nice baking heat, conducive to patios and beaches. Friends are returning from various ends of the world and keeping me busy with social engagements. Yesterday a friend and I stumbled upon a street festival in Little Italy in honour of the World Cup game against the US. Each terrace was packed, and all the 'free-stuffers' were out in full force. The old Italian choir was out, in their green vests and Canadian flag ties; all the women had big flowers in their dyed graying hair. I had to drag myself away in order to get to work, but I arrived there to the rehersals for the Much Music Video Awards taking place across the street. We heard a bunch of bands, including Fallout Boy, and some Canadian Idols. The 'allstars' won't come out until Sunday evening. I don't know if I'll see the show- the Stanley Cup will probably trump Much for my attention.

As this weekend comes to an end (beach volleyball this afternoon), the plans for next week shape up: Ella's birthday, doctor's appointment, Holland versus Argentina, and PRIDE. If summer has just started, I've certainly started as I mean to go on.

Bike to CAPAIDS

Speaking of CAPAIDS, they're having a Bike-A-Thon fundraiser on June 10.

Sign up for BIKE TO CAPAIDS

See you there!

So, it's settled (though I won't believe it until I'm on a plane on my way to Addis). I am going to Ethiopia with CPAR (canadian physicians for aid and relief) for my placement. There I will be working with two groups, CPAR and CAPAIDS.

With CPAR I will help with a variety of tasks, including communicating with the Canadian office, monitoring and reporting on their Moving Beyond Hunger program, and helping to increase in-country funding for the Ethiopia office. The Moving Beyond Hunger program includes projects focussing on water and sanitation development, food security (tree farming, for example), and safe livelihoods (vocational training, HIV/AIDS education).

With CAPAIDS I will hold the position of program officer, and will monitor and evaluate their Safe Livelihoods for Older AIDS Orphans project. This group of older orphans, often the head of their households after the death of their parents, frequently turn to the sex trade to provide for their siblings. This leads to problems for the individual, and to the spread of AIDS. So, CAPAIDS works with two local NGOs in Ethiopia (and two in Uganda) to provide the orphans with vocational training (like hairdressing, for example) so that they can have more secure livelihoods.

I'm excited as well that I'll be able to work with CPAR and CAPAIDS here in Canada before I leave, so that I'll have a familiarity with the projects and recent developments, rather than just being thrown into the mix upon arriving in Addis. And also that I've met the in-country Director already, so when I arrive, I'll see a familiar face.

Fun is Paramount

I always get an icky feeling when I go into mega movie theatres like the Paramount. For a while I thought it was the people, until I realized that I’m mostly fine with crowds in other situations. Then I thought maybe it was the glossy perfection of the surroundings, contrary to my current obsession with “urban derelict”. But today I read an article that helped me to better articulate my concerns in its discussion of media conglomerates. Current media market trends are encouraging the concentration of media. Take for example, AOL Time Warner. That used to be three companies (and more), and they’re now all led by one boss (and one mindset). This raises some concerns. For me, it’s primarily the streamlining of media content- the diversity decreases and the quality of journalism becomes questionable. This is increased by the location of media directors on the boards of other companies, such as pharmaceuticals and oil companies. The result is media censorship. For example, if Disney is involved in both manufacture in Bangladesh and owns ABC, the likelihood that you’re going to see a story on sweatshop labour on the ABC newsreport is unlikely. So, important issues are not getting covered in the mainstream media.

Further, and I think this is what prompts my negative emotional reaction to places like the Paramount, the incredible skills of media conglomerates to cross promote and cross sell (like the advertisements for the Pussycat Dolls at the movie theatre) can dilute influences from other places, such as families, schools, and other sources that are grounded in real-life experience.

It bothers me to think that a) we’re not getting all the information b) while some of us may be getting the information, not everyone is, and without everyone getting it, how is change going to happen and c) that my kids one day might actually think that “Fun is Paramount” and not know where else to get their knowledge and/or kicks from.

View the article here:
http://www.globalissues.org/HumanRights/Media/Corporations/Owners/asp

Finally, a placement update!

I've been hesitant about posting about my placement proceedings on my blog after what happened last september. I was so embarassed by my failure to get a placement, and even more so by the fact that for months afterwards people were sending me emails saying, "So where are you...aren't you supposed to be away this year?" That everyone (family, friends, friends of family, etc etc) was expecting me to leave made the situation worse, as I had to explain "well, no, I'm not going. Yes, yes, it was my fault." So, I have been reluctant to talk about, or post about, my potentials for placement this upcoming year. Until now. While nothing is for certain, and I could find myself in Toronto once again come September, there are three potential spots in the works. First, I have been recommended for a placement with CUSO in Ghana- this means that the Canadian office has chosen me, but the field office and local NGO get the last word, so I am waiting to hear from them. Second, CPAR (who I've been volunteering with for the past year) has expressed an interest in sending me to work in their Ethiopian office in Addis Ababa. I've spoken with the Canadian program director and the Ethiopian country director, and the placement is contingent on them finding cheap accommodation for me and the job meeting the IDS coop's standards. Hopefully I will get more information on this possibility later this week. Third, I have been interviewed with WUSC Sri Lanka (who chose not to send me last year) and apparently they have placements for all who were interviewed.

All three placements are very interesting (though I don't have details about the WUSC one) and would certainly be a rewarding experience. Each has it's own positive aspects, and if granted all three, it would be a difficult choice between them. That said, because of my previous work with CPAR, my familiarity with their organization, the fact that Addis holds many interesting features (such as being the centre of the African Union, for example), and the fairly flexible job description, a placement with CPAR Ethiopia is my first choice. However, it is also the least certain of the three.

So, there you have a brief outline of my current placement status. Regardless of my geographic and employment status as of September 2006, I feel that I have grown tremendously as a result of my initial placement rejection. I understand my weaknesses better, I have consciously become more involved in the Toronto development community, and have spent a wonderful year in Toronto. Stay tuned for more details.

Kate

Cucurrucucu Paloma

Have been spending some time today listening to music from the films of Almodovar (I stumbled upon Habla Con Ella four years ago and have been crazy about them ever since). There's something very intense about the music that I don't find in my Whitney and Assorted Trance Singles. And so I got to thinking, using my general music choice as indicative of the whole Kate psyche, and realize that I actively pursue the avoidance of responsibility. I like thinking about real things, but fear experiencing them. What is it that holds me back? The ever pressing fear of failure. Perhaps I feel it more than others, but likely I am in precisely the same human boat as the rest of us. And so, I grab hold of things that give me confidence when I can. So today, as I listened to AT Ariyaratne, who started the Sarvodaya movement in Sri Lanka (development according to Ghandian and Buddhist principles), I grabbed hold of these sentiments:

Be Constructive, Not Destructive. Don't waste time defending yourself and what you're doing- just go and do it.

Those of us who want to change the world don't get much rest, while others spend quite a bit of time sleeping.

[If you see something bad in the world] don't worry about it, just work harder.

This is action without fear- I've got the thinking about it down pat, I've just got to have confidence to take action. And if you're in the mood, download some songs from Almodovar.

Kate

oh, Chinatown!

My spacial proximity to Chinatown has many benefits and delights, including readily available cheap produce, an abundace of milk crates for creating fashionable furniture, and the presence of co-passengers on the streetcar, laden down with plastic bags with exotic scripts and strange smells. But today, the concept of a "city within a city" has been taken to a new level. All day there has been a tremendous comotion outside our house. While the comotion is usually due to either drunken students, or recently released patients from the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health across the street, today it centres around a huge pile of dirt. Presumably, this dirt was placed there by municipal workers in preparation for the spring gardening they'll be doing at the park across the way starting Monday morning. I'm affraid, however, that they will have to start a new pile afresh, come Monday, as there has been a steady stream of Chinese ladies from the neighbourhood poaching the goods! They come with carts, waggons, buckets, spades, garbage bags, and (occasionally) husbands to supervise, and in little more than three hours, the pile is down to half what it was. Every once in a while I'll hear the screech of car tires and a house-wife type will be out there, in her kakhis and sweater-around-the-neck, filling the back of the SUV with precious, precious sod.

In a more serious note, I like how this event fits in to my post-colonial studies mind frame. WHat? It's just dirt. No, wait. In my political science course last semester, we talked about various ways in which citizens revolt against authoritarian post colonial states, from revolution to what is known as "quiet encroachment of the ordinary". In this form of revolt, individuals undermine the state through a variety of (primarily urban) actions, such as tapping the power grid. While it's simplist to understand today's dirt theft through a purely pragmatic lense- why buy dirt when you can get it from the sidewalk for free?- I like to think of it in more political terms. Despite our government's highly "developed" nature, we, as Canadian Citizens, still reject the notion of complete complicity to the State, and choose instead to express our non-compliance through simple acts of soil appropriation.

Une petite space

I have just aquired a new apartment. Hurrah! Enough waiting for rent from others, enough unmatching perspectives on "clean" and "tidy". As much as I love love love my roommates, and have had wonderful habitation experiences since leaving Victoria, I've been waiting for this moment of solohabitation for what feels like EVER.

So, the details. It is tiny. Ity bity. And it's across the street from where i live now, so move in time is expected to be a full fifteen to twenty minutes. Faster if I have the help of current roommates and current boyf. Then it will be three minutes or less. It is a square, and I can basically cook breakfast while still in bed, but it has two big windows and a fire escape. And there's a huge tree outside one of the windows that will be beautiful in the summer.

Hurrah for my new space! Only two or three weeks until you can find me in it.

IDSers are crazy. I'm at Scarborough, and I just spotted one, dressed in a padded suit and helmet with "poverty" written all over it. He had a really big stick and was offering people the chance to fight him...to fight poverty. Is this what it's come to? I generally applaud clever publicity gimicks, but in this case I worry. Is our political and societal dialogue so beyond caring about the world's rampant poverty that we have to resort to non-mainstream protests to get poverty issues included in the global agenda? It seems like such a no-brainer, as poverty is the root cause of so many problems we are currently fighting against (terrorism, drugs, for a couple of examples).

Speaking of poverty, this is an interesting take on Make Poverty History, conceptualized by my neighbour:
Make Affluence History

hungry for communication

I'm so connected it scares me sometimes. I am currently sitting in the pub, having a beer and msning with my mother. Ingo's on the phone with me, and I'm expecting an email. And as soon as I get off the phone, I need to send you a text message. This is ridiculous. And I'm not even that high tech. Wait for the blackberry...

applauding diversity

I have recently realized that I've achieved a long-term lifestyle goal. While in the past I've felt like Kate Living and Kate Doing, where I have point of extreme play, and extreme travail, this is not the case at the moment. The success comes from an extremely diverse weekly to do list, and diversity keeps me interested. It avoids extremes. The component parts of LIFE at the moment are various and interesting: volunteering at CPAR and developing a possible placement with them, three courses at school, new volunteering at Bioline International, three or four shifts a week at Cafe Crepe, time spent with i and ella, random development engagements, and a little bit of Kate time and assorted errands. Most recently, I've just gotten a position as an e-mentor with DreamNow.ca...this is very exciting! I'll be helping to lead other youth through community and international development projects, starting with action planning with students at the YouCan Resolve conference. So, I'll be in Winnipeg next week, at this conference, hanging out with 400 other youth who are interested in Peace Building and Conflict Resolution, and I'll keep contact with about 50 of them, helping them to achieve their action goals! And they're going to pay me!

So, while the positive aspects of my lifestyle as illustrate here are numerous, I'd just like to highlight to parts. In general, hurrah for diversity in daily life. And more specifically, hurrah that I've got a job that is more relevant to my goals and interests than being a waitress!

Fall into life.

Someone just wrote me an email with the question, "so has anything new, boring or wonderful fallen into your life lately?" This is the perfect question. How-are-you-good's binary opposite. I love how it recognizes that the good, the bad and the ugly that are all equally exciting in the process of living. I love that it makes reference to extremes rather than neutrality. I love how it highlights individual moments, situations, and experiences rather than general wellbeing. I love how it celebrates chance, spontaneity and serendipity by suggesting that events and things "fall" into life. I love that all these components make the question very answerable, and encourage the answer to enter into the realm of conversation.

I love that I know people who ask me questions like these.

So I extend the question to you: has anything new, boring or wonderful fallen into your life lately?

kate

ps. check out DreamNow for more info on the exploits of the questioner in question.

nukes, terrorists and US hegemony, OH MY!

While this is a fairly useless post, as it has no recommendations for action and only big unanswerable questions, I will post it nonetheless to let you into my current view of things international.

We live in a very interesting time. Look at the democratic election of a so-called terroris group in Palestine, the purchase of nuclear capabilities by Iran, and the emerging power of China if you don't believe me. At points in my young life I'd thought that we were coming to an era, or even a permanent future, of peace and international cooperation. But as I study more and become more aware of international dynamics (especially in relation to US hegemony) I see more chaos and negative action than order. The question is if we see it this way, and there seem to be many that see it this way, why is the world continuing on this trajectory?

Please respond to my slightly pessamistic, but not opressive, view.

shades of grey

Development, academically speaking, contains grey areas for me. But each semester I’ve taken here at U of T has sought to increase the vibrancy of my development understanding. It seems that each semester, by accident, tends to answer an overarching question of mine. I’ve had the overview semester, the health and development semester, and the development economics semester. The most recent theme took place outside of school: understanding the Canadian development community and my place within it. And just when I felt my understanding of macropolicy, in Canada and Internationally, was so grey as to hamper moving forward, I happened upon this semester. I am taking International Political Economy of Trade, the New International Agenda, and International Studies and Communications, which all fall into this theme. The actions, principles and policies that have undermined the development of the third world are now being presented to me. And in the end I hope that they will help me to understand these aspects of the international order enough to enable me to see how these tools of power used by the West can be used to improve the climate for Development. Greyness be gone.

Viva Cuba Libre!

Just back from Cuba. Pics up soon. Holy amazing batman.

Now for some more real life.

kate

seriosity

I am very anti serious conversations at the very beginning or the very end of something. Seriousness is best situated in the middle. I think this is my biggest parental beef, as mine are notorious for using seriousness as bookends. This either starts things off wrong, or leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

This is especially pertinent when you've just done something LOVELY, such as watching Bride and Prejudice, and then the parental unit switches immediatly to scheduling and to dos without a brief "basking in bollywood" intermission.

However, I suppose it could be argued that I am never in the mood for serious or to-do oriented conversation with my parents, regardless.

[disclaimer: despite serious beef, I love you both dearly and am having a wonderful visit!]

Retrospective on Exams

Last week, I was grumpy. I had exams that were consuming me, and no distractions of work to get me out of them. But...wait. What did I spend my exam week doing? I spent the majority of the time sitting in lovely coffee shops, sipping tasty warm beverages and reading interesting articles. And to top it all off, I'd "reward" myself for a hard day studying by going out for dinner with a good friend, or maybe to a movie. I realized that I have a wicked deal! My life is significantly worthy of envy.

The title, emphaisis on retrospective, indicates that I'm NOW ON VACATION! I'm going to stop blogging and write a list of all the things that I want to do with my free time, and start working my way through the list. I think I'll start with sangria for lunch with Ella before she takes off for Halifax.

Hurrah!

kate

Kate-living, Kate-doing, or just Kate

The getting through it time of year is upon me once again. I've been glowing and flying for the past couple of months, busy with school, the theatre, CPAR, work, crepes, thoughts of cajun food, a clean room and walks through the city. But, today I am full of responsibility and forgetfulness of the WHY. So, I am going to take a moment to remind myself why I do exams, placement applications, job interviews, meetings with professors, work. I am going to take a moment to realize that there's an end in sight. I once told someone that to get through school I always told myself "do well in school to justify adventure". Today I have to tell myself do well in life to justify LIVING.

I love new things. I try to do or see something new every day. More than that, I love introducing other people to new things, seeing their reaction, watching them adjust their world view. Apparently, "you see what you know" (Tony Price), so if I know a lot, I will see many things. I go to school to see new things, to learn how to see things in different ways, and in the long run try to help people to see things in new ways. I want to show people that living is not a zero sum game, though the dominant world system seems to think so. Sure, our resources are scarce, but if the rule says matter cannot be created nor destroyed, obviously a rearrangement of the status quo is possible.

I apply for placements and slightly scary responsibility-full jobs to expand this goal out of my comfort zone. I want to be part of the BIGGEST and the BEST things, but that requires me to start somewhere. I will not feel comfortable with something until after I feel a little uncomfortable, and comfort is mediocre at best. This is the hardest part. I've been told not to fear failure, and that I will miss 100 percent of the shots I don't take. So, I do scary things to face this fear of failure, and prove to myself that it is an illusion.

So often work seems like the odd thing out. Time spent with little relevance to my hopes, dreams and fears. It is comfortable, time consuming and irrelevant. But, it is also the easiest to understand. I work so that I can go to Cuba over christmas, so that I can drink second cup raspberry tea, so that I can buy Midnight's Children, so that I can take the bus to CPAR, so that I can chew gum and do yoga. I work so that one day 'work' won't seem like the odd thing out, but rather the vehicle to face fear and show others my world.

It takes me remembering these things to realize that this is not a getting-through-it phase, but part of life. I will always have times that aren't fun fun fun, but this doesn't mean that they are separate from real life. I used to classify life into kate-living and kate-doing, the former being the good parts of life and the latter the less interesting. But, in truth, the getting-through-it bits are fully integrated into the whole thing. I am not going to wake up one day and be grown up and settled and happy. And if I look at them this way, the getting-through-it bits aren't really just about getting-through-it after all.

And with that I can get back to work.

share-ation

When I hear, do or see something nice, or lovely, or beautiful, my immediate reaction is to want to share it. The difficulty is how exactly to get the person who I'm sharing my excitement with to acutally share the excitement. This problem is exacerbated by the fact that I often get very excited (to the point of chills) about things I can't quite put my finger on. Last night I got excited about an inpromptu private art show in my room when the combination of the tree outside my window and the fire truck with its lights flashing across the road projected a perfect, if decidedly abstract, video instilation on my wall. In my mind the "artist" was attempting to illustrate the seemingly seamless co-existance of man-made and natural objects that combine to make a city larger than the sum of its parts. Or today, when reading Focus in the Saturday Globe, I got all tingly about members of the Chinese diaspora in Canada returning to China to pursue a new/old life. How do I try to get you to feel those tingles if I have no idea what they were about? Yet, I desperatly want you to. I think that somewhere deep down, I want someone to be lucky enough to experience life as I do.

Development and the Media

I have just discovered podcasting. I listen to the BBC all the time at home, but now I can listen to their best of while in transit. None of this having to listen to music anymore! The podcasts that are currently eagerly awaiting transfer from iBook to iPod are the documentary "Return to Sarajevo" (looking back at the wartorn country years later, with a specific focus on a set of people that they interviewed soon after the conflict) and the personal journalistic reflection of the day.

Especially lately I've been taken by the development relevance of all current events. Even the newspaper articles or radio broadcasts that don't deal specifically with issues of basic needs, humanitarian disaster, poverty, or health and environmental crises. Even the articles that seem to have nothing to do with the third world. For some reason, everything that is going on in the world is all relevant to the distorted wealth and power gradient of the world which is the incentive for development. Is it just that the world is going through a development phase? In a positive light, one could think that the world has become so global that the issues of other countries and foreign individuals are finally becoming important to the average Canadian citizen in a way that they have not in the past. In a more pessamistic view, one could say that global issues, and more specifically Canada's involvement in engaging with and manipulating global issues, are currently trendy, and thus the media frames most stories in that light. Perhaps it is just my academically aquired development coloured glasses.

flesh and blood

I have the october blues. I am bored. I crave more adventure than continued placement seeking, waitressing and school have to offer. So, about a month ago I applied to release my adoption records from the BC government. It turns out that my name at birth was Alexandra Robertson. My mother was/is Kate Robertson. And now I'm Kate Alexandra. So, I know more about who I was for that 11 days before I belonged to my current family, the Jongbloed-Gait's. Moments before turning to my computer to post this blog, I was busy starting the next step: an active search for my birth mum. Hurrah! This is something I've waited for ever since I can remember. Perhaps I'll make posts as I go through the exciting and emotional ride of meeting, or not meeting, my own flesh and blood for the first, second, third...time. For now, I just wanted to address some FAQs:

When did you find out that you were adopted, what was that like?

My parents told me so early on that I can't remember not knowing that I was adopted. As such, it's always been part of my identity. However, at first I was a bit confused, thinking that we were all adopted. As I understood it, all babies were switched to different, more appropriate, parents at birth.

Do you like your adoptive parents?

Sometimes, upon finding out that I"m adopted, people's reaction is to say, "oh, I'm sorry". But, the truth is I've never felt a lack because of my adopted nature. I have lovely parents, that are completely and totally my parents. I don't feel like I was rejected by my birth parents, as my father didn't know of my existance, and my mother wrote me a letter at my birth to explain why she put me up for adoption. She felt that she couldn't offer me all that she wanted at such a young age, and felt there was another family who could better take care of me. A fairly legitimate reason, I think. So, I feel like I have two and a half sets of parents that love me!

How are you going to find your birth mom, and what about your dad?

The government of BC has an active registry program where I apply to find my birth mother. They contact her, and if she is interested in having contact with me, the intermediary puts us in touch. However, there is a chance that she will reject my application for contact, and I will not be allowed to contact her. As for my dad, I don't think he knows I exist. I've signed up for a passive registry of all the rest of my family: if they've applied to be put in contact with me, then they can further it themselves. Depending on the results with my birth mother, I may or may not decide to become more active in my pursuit of other family members.

How does it feel?

I am excited and nervous. I'm nervous that my mom, as noone knows about my birth (her parents, my father, potentially her new family), might deny me contact. This would be very difficult as I've intended to meet her my whole life. Also, in general I would, at least once in my life, like to know someone who shares the same genes as me (though I suppose that will happen if I ever have children on my own). I am excited about being face to face with her, about discovering the similarities between us. Essentially, studying what is nature about me and what is nurture.

Stay tuned.

wireless gratitude

OH! The thrill of choosing my physical computing space, unrestricted by wires or even doors, ceilings and walls. Thank you, University and other unsuspecting internet purchasers, for providing me with unlimited and magnificent access. Thank you mac for introducing me to the bright white iworld.

I'm lying in bed with i. He's up early for rowing, and I'm in bed late after a late shift. We're out of sync in a nice way. I'm just paying attention to breathing and rain and the day's events. I'm surprised at the smile that comes to my face and the satisfaction it indicates.

Lately, I've been encouraged by many to start to streamline, and to work with focus towards my passions and goals...my future. But this is more complicated than it seems, as I'm apassionate. Or perhaps multipassionate, which tends to dilute passion for any one thing. I'm into art. I'm into beautiful things. I like good food, and bad food A LOT. I like doing my own thing. I like doing things with other people. I think being a waitress is fun. The middle east is an interesting region, and so is south asia. Conservative fiscal budgets sometimes make sense, accompanied by a lot of overseas development assistance and good social welfare. I want to be wealthy, but not increase the gap between rich and poor. I think the economic aspects of development are important. So are the health ones. And the environmental ones. And I really like eating vegetables with a knife and fork.

This plethora of interests and beliefs makes streamlining complicated. My direction is foggy. I've been satiated for a while with staying in Toronto and taking a interdisciplinary degree, but now that it's coming to an end...my career is coming to a start and I must focus. I must make choices leading to a semi specific outcome.

The trouble is coming up with that semi specific outcome that I belive will satisfy in the long run. So, I am dissatisfied. But, in the meantime, satisfied.

the Night Commuters

Went for a long walk the other day. The ngo I volunteer with, Canadian Physicians for Aid and Relief are cosponsoring a Gulu Walk month, where two men walk from their homes to City Hall every night, sleep, and then walk back in the morning (about 10k each way) in order to publicize the cause of rurual Ugandan children who make a similar treck daily to the city. They do this in order to escape abduction by the rebel army who depend on child soldiers for their war, and spend the night in a camp called Gulu. This twice daily 10k often makes children miss school, leading to perpetuation of societal problems. The Toronto Gulu Walks taking place in July are building momentum, with more and more people joining the daily trek. So, I joined in last Thursday, and plan to do a couple more before the month is out. See www.cpar.ca or www.guluwalk.com for more details. If any of you are interested in going with me, let me know and we'll make a social advocacy date of it.

Kate

Desperatly Seeking Sublet

$415 - Cheap and Big Room for Rent (Woodbine and Danforth)
Reply to: katejongbloed@gmail.com

I have a room available in a four bedroom house at Woodbine and Danforth in Toronto for the months of July and August.

Rent is $415/month but negotiable and includes utilities.

The house features two bathrooms, a spacious porch, free inhouse laundry, commonspace and a full kitchen.

It is centrally located with quick access to subway, the beach, greek town, and downtown.

Possibility to extend lease in August. Also, there is another room in the house available if you are interested.

695 Milverton Blvd at Woodbine and Danforth

Preparing for the Third World

To quote Jen, this might just be "the greatest summer ever". I am so busy with work and play, I don't really have a free moment. But to look at it another way, they are all entirely free moments. Hurrah! With every day I feel like a more capable human being. While that might not sound like a terribly exciting evolution, it is in the face of a placement year, and imminent real life. Last night I was very sick- food poisioning or something- and there was noone there to hold my head, get me water and blankets. All I could think was "I'm glad this is happening, it's good practice for being in a developing country" because I had to get through it myself.

I don't have a computer at home, and while this is a definite plus for my social life and personal growth, it is less good for things such as emailing and blog posting. Thus, please stay tuned regardless of the sporadic nature of my blog status quo, as I'm sure that during placement I will make more use of Kidding Just.

Also, please note the recent additions to my right hand side: Marit, and the On Placements: Lauren, Laura and Jess. These three are other members of our IDS team heading away (you guessed it, on placement) next year, so perhaps it will be interesting to keep track of all of us?

Kate

Wherefore art thou Placement?

I have a bunch of really cool friends. For example, I just got an email from one who just climbed Mt Kilimanjaro, and in the email used this climb to describe his whole experience working in a refugee camp in Tanzania where he's been for the past 9 months. Another is set to leave for Mexico in August to document the Zapatista movement in Chiapas. Actually, I have two friends in Mexico right now: one is volunteering with Doctors without Training, and the other is doing a reciprocal language program where he learns spanish, and teaches english. Speaking of Latin America, one of my closest friends is leaving in September to spend a year volunteering and going to school in Ecuador, and another friend should be arriving back from El Salvador shortly. If you go a little more East, I have two friends in Brighton at the moment, busy discovering themselves. And then there's one who'll spend the rest of her summer treking around Turkey. But even close to home, they're doing interesting things: I have a couple friends from Victoria who will be showing up on my doorstep momentarily to spend a couple of days with me on their trip across Canada. And another who said to Jen last week "this is probably the best summer so far" because it has been filled with trips to big cities, episodes underwater, and as ever, Toronto urban adventure.

So, all this amazingness makes me sit and wonder, what does my next amazing year hold? Why don't I know what I'm doing yet? Is this a bad sign? Even with these questions, I feel confident that within the next three months I will be able to provide a post that paralells these friends of mine in their capacity to adventure. But for now, stop asking me about placement!

granted

My lovely world crashed a little the other day (however it seems to have righted itself now). In the blur of happiness and summer fun, combined with life-sucking jobs, I found myself in a brief crisis of lies, not getting things done, and more responsibility. The main problem in these situations is how hard I am on myself. The feelings of guilt and failure set in. I missed a deadline (I had send my application, but it wasn't up to par) for placement, because I don't have a computer and therefore neglect my inbox. My sublet decided to move out, and so I could perhaps find myself paying two rents in July. Worst of all I ditched Jen for a guy and lied about it (for about 5 minutes before I called her back in tears apologizing!). Today, however, is sunny, and I've got money in my pocket. I like the colour of my hair.

When things start to crumble, though, you realize how much good there is that you take for granted.

Kate

Home?

OH! So happy to be back in the city. It's so busy and there's a million things I could do. So far I've amused myself by riding my bike to the CPAR office to pick up some stuff for the interview on Friday, on bloor near dundas west. I'd never been in that neighbourhoodand it's so nice to ride to! On my way back i went through little italy, then china town (to look for work shoes and buy vegitables) and finally up to Robarts library where I am now. I'm getting all my admin stuff done before I go to swim practice at 6 and then to meet Jen andElla for beers because she's leaving tomorrow.

I've only been back a moment but already I'm in love with the city again and everything's in full swing. I mailed the letter and chequeto the government today to start to find my birth mother, which shouldbe another interesting part of the summer.

Hurrah for unlimited things to do (even if they aren't involving mountains or oceans), and what seems like unlimited time to do them in.

Victoria and area is full of lovely things to do that one doesn't do anywhere else in the same combination. I've been here for a little over a week, and I've been busy doing nice things, because that is what one does here. Today was no different, as my mum and I went up Island to some of the local wineries for a bit of a wine tour. We started at the one pictured above, where we had a delicious lunch of crab cakes and creme brulee, and a cheaky little Damascus wine. Our next stop advertised that "visitors are always welcome to ... share our salmon stream and sunlit vineyard views". Mum and I joked with the guy behind the tasting counter (who was actually their landscaper, but was for some reason leading tasting tours today) that we were actually there for the salmon stream and not the wine. He looked at us strangely, and eventually I convinced him to let us take a look at it. As it turns out, "sharing" the salmon stream involved a precarious hike down and extremely steep and slippery slope. And there were no salmon. By the end of it I was muddy and unfit for further wine touring. I should have taken the fact that the vineyard was far from sunlit as a sign. We made one more stop before we returned home via the scenic route, with no less than 12 bottles of wine. I think my current glow is less from the alcohol and more from an entirely well spent day and recent pleasant activity.

Cowichan Winery Tour

Kate and Salmon Stream

Dance or fade out 

Smells like BC

In Victoria once again. This happens more than I predicted when I left for Toronto two years ago. Every time I come back there's a different emotion. This time I feel more at peace with the whole deal- I'm not trying to viciously reject my roots as much as I once did. But everything is sort of hazily and eerily familiar: I keep thinking that I"m going to run into someone I know, and that I won't recognize them, yet everyone I come across looks sort of familiar. It smells and smiles like Victoria, and the flowers and wind and water are beautiful. It would be so easy to slump into HOME LIFE, but I'm determined to take advantage of all the good things that I use to brag about the West. So, tomorrow if it's nice I'm booting it down to the beach in my spanking new bikini after a coffee and some italian pastries with my father. I am happy to be back in a large part because I am so happy in Toronto- you'd think it'd be the other way round.

If you're from Victoria, you may as well give me a call.

Spah-dina

The summer has begun. It's been a crazy transition from school to no school...no school for 1.5 years! I finished my last exam on Friday, and then went straight into party mode. The whole evening was great, with dinner, drinks, good people, and then the bar. I went to bed late and woke early for work, and of course the day was complete crap, but for some reason I like a good hangover once in a while. It lets me know I'm alive! I got home after work and spent the evening PACKING everything I own (which, when organized, fits into a space of one meter by two meters) before the house invaders (new tenants) arrived the next morning. By 12am I was about to lose it- exam (no sleep), party (no sleep), work (no sleep), packing (no sleep)= anger and irrationality. In a serendipitous turn of events, I managed to use the house invaders van to get my stuff to my new place, and so quicker than I thought I have a new home. It's a great location (close to everything), and the interior is pretty good too. Since the move I've had a couple of two to four hour naps in between dropping friends off at the airport, goodbye breakfasts, lunches, dinners and drinks. It's finished today, and I started my "real" summer life about two hours ago. If start as you mean to go on applies, I'm excited and ready for this summer!

Welcome Andrew

A few weeks ago, a homeless Newfie stumbled upon our world with the help of Craigslist, and has since been occupying our couch and cleaning our kitchen. He is lovely and makes me laugh, and is incredibly useful in many ways. You can find him here: Dorkosis.

Method to Live

Blogs induce a certain degree of guilt, and I have decided that this guilt is completely not useful. Moreover, it implies a feeling of responsibility to one's readers, and since I have very few, it is still more irrational to feel guilty. As a result, this is my last apology for infrequent posting: I am sorry that I post infrequently. From now on, I am adopting the attitude that infrequent posting simply reflects my status quo, and is therefore a fundemental element of attempting to document my life online.

Today it is rainy, and I feel sort of like I am in a subtropical semi-arid montane forest because I have my windows open and a fern near my window...okay it's a long shot, but entirely satisfying no less. I am trying to study for my three upcoming exams- south asian politics, french, and conservation of tropical forests- but am consumed by thoughts of my future.

I was thinking about something Grant said on his blog about lifestyle careers, and have decided that I am either not trendy enough, or too trendy, and don't want that at all. I've decided that through my life I've succeeded entirely by chance. Basically, nice things just keep happening to me. So, flipant as this sounds, it is my aim to go on in this fashion. As long as I can keep running into new opportunities every time I feel the need for transition, I am happy to just go with what presents itself to me, as one thing always leads to another. Perhaps it's what is known as the "hands off" approach to life...or maybe the "I have no idea what I want, but just about anything sounds good" approach.

The fact that I've got about 5 years planned that completely complies with this notion of floating career bodes well for this experiment. Constant monitoring and evaluation to follow.

Loca

Disclaimer: we are all crazy.

Post body:

Living in a house of crazy people has helped me to relax. Illogical you say? No. Crazy people make me want to be less crazy, more accepting of the status quo, and appreciative of the things I do have in life that are wonderful. So, when people stress disproportionatly about school, or put too much emphasis on comparative marks, or cry because the vibe in the house is overwhelming, I feel able for the first time in my life to step back and not be influenced by people around me as much as I have been in the past. I have finally figured out how to live beside people, and not become them. So, with this very zen attitude, I have found peace and love in my house. Of course, I have long loved the individuals in my house, but the entire makeup- building, inhabitants, auras and all- has emerged in my mind as this entirely entertaining and entirely wonderful component of my current happy life. No doubt this has something to do with the fact that our time together is coming to an end and things are always better when you know you're leaving, but still I'd like to think that I've grown this year: grown in happiness, grown in tolerance, and also grown in less streamlined ways.

Uncertainty is not a pathology.

Mini Break

It had been so long since I'd hung out with parents...not only mine but anyone's in general. Also, I felt ridiculous when I tallied the sheer number of nights spent in my own bed since moving into this house. So I went home with Jen this weekend for a Cambridge Minibreak. My easter weekend had been diverse already, with a gallery opening, a punk show, breakie with the girls, a long downtown walk, a night at the races, and work, and the theme of diverse fun continued in the small Ontario town. I felt a little like I was in Victoria again. We parked about a block from the club, there was no line up, we could arrive in our tshirts, there were no girls in miniskirts and stillettos...none of the Toronto clubbing difficulties, like hikes to and from the club, fashion obsession (to the point of ignoring the FUN of going out). Anyway. Night one was great. The next day was even more like good old Vic because there was little to do, and so we ended up at a coffee shop, going for a run, playing some frisbee, taking pics, and dropping in on friends around the town. Very different from my life in Toronto where I can usually always think of something to do, to the detriment of my random visits to friends and physical play time. But that love has been rekindled. The highlights, of course, included portuguese shrimp, kissed lips, Jen 24/7, tequilla, B-52s, turkey dinner, fish cakes, the Newfies and seeing what Jen's life was before me...

It seems very appropriate that this quasi-spastic blog just sort of trickles out. Perhaps I will work more on content next time???

Kate

Mini Break

It had been so long since I'd hung out with parents...not only mine but anyone's in general. Also, I felt ridiculous when I tallied the sheer number of nights spent in my own bed since moving into this house. So I went home with Jen this weekend for a Cambridge Minibreak. My easter weekend had been diverse already, with a gallery opening, a punk show, breakie with the girls, a long downtown walk, a night at the races, and work, and the theme of diverse fun continued in the small Ontario town. I felt a little like I was in Victoria again. We parked about a block from the club, there was no line up, we could arrive in our tshirts, there were no girls in miniskirts and stillettos...none of the Toronto clubbing difficulties, like hikes to and from the club, fashion obsession (to the point of ignoring the FUN of going out). Anyway. Night one was great. The next day was even more like good old Vic because there was little to do, and so we ended up at a coffee shop, going for a run, playing some frisbee, taking pics, and dropping in on friends around the town. Very different from my life in Toronto where I can usually always think of something to do, to the detriment of my random visits to friends and physical play time. But that love has been rekindled. The highlights, of course, included portuguese shrimp, kissed lips, Jen 24/7, tequilla, B-52s, turkey dinner, fish cakes, the Newfies and seeing what Jen's life was before me...

It seems very appropriate that this quasi-spastic blog just sort of trickles out. Perhaps I will work more on content next time???

Kate

Wereld Stad

A novelty: a day completely free of responsibility. As a student, this rarely happens as in the subconscious there's always this sense of the next paper, the upcoming exam. But, today I've shed these preoccupations for the sake of our saviour. Nix that. For the sake of myself. Really, it started last night with a gallery opening followed by a punk show (choosing an outfit to match both: trying), and a greasy breakfast this morning featuring past and future travel stories with four girlfriends. Up next is a walk through China Town, Queen St (Fashion District), Downtown, to my current favourite neighbourhood around the St. Lawrence Market for Starbucks and Gabriel Garcia Marquez. And what's really nice is that what comes after that is open to discussion!

Happy Easter.

Multiple choice

I told a friend of mine last year that it wasn't often that I felt I had to make big decisions, or rather that my decision is usually 'both'. Yet, every once in a while the need for a decision comes by and virtually debhilitates me. I think this comes from the same place that my desire to be a secretary plus comes from. I want to work for a genius, enabling his/her decisions, but not making my own.

The case is similar now. I have two almost placement offers...two maybes. Both provide me with completely different information, making comparison very difficult, and for both the information is only half there. Yet, both want to know where I stand in the placement process (ie: if I'm working for a different placement, they want to drop me out of the selection). Okay, so I tell both that I'm interested and prolong the decision for one more step. But what then?

The first, I talked about earlier. It would be with WUSC and a small local NGO on the south east coast of Sri Lanka, working with Tsunami victims. So current! So exciting! Buddhists, civil conflict and rainforests oh my!

The second is with PWS&D and the Institute for Development Education in Chennai, India. I would work in the villages outside of the city for 6 months, and then in the city slums for 3 months. The final three months would be research based. The work would be based around women's empowerment, literacy, economics, and child labour issues. Wow! So intense! So self directed! So throwing me in the deep end!

In multiple choice, when you don't know how to decide, they say to pick the longest answer. I don't think the decision will be so easy!

Kate

Bailarphobia

There is something that terrifies me about salsa dancing. My friend is a fan, and people back from placement in South America do it at any chance they get. But it scares me shitless. Is this a legacy of dancing lessons with my father taught by Bernard? Or what? Really, this phobia is ridiculous and obscure. Simply for that reason I must overcome. I almost made it out to learn tonight, but not quite. Manyana.

Ceylon

This is the closest I've been yet to placement: I had an interview today with WUSC who proposes to send me to Sri Lanka (in the south-eastern part) to work with a small local NGO there and help tsunami affected people re-establish livelihoods. The interview went well. I think it was more of a formality with WUSC as it's the local NGO who decides if they want me in the end. So, if any of you are interested in visiting Sri Lanka in the next year, you might have a place to stay!

Welcome

I have recruited new blog participants. Welcome to a round the world discourse of IDSers and wannabe management students.

Matthieu
Jess

FOTO

So, I have finally figured out how to post pictures on my blog once again. These are courtesy of my dad and his fabulous camera from our trip to the Netherlands this winter vacation. Enjoy!

I really hope that I'll be able to keep this blog going when I'm on my placement...surely the posts will be more interesting! But, depending on my internet connection and the level of censorship in the country where I'm working, it may or not be possible. Stay tuned!

kate

Belated Euro-Pics from Christmas 2004

B*ke

A*dam 

A*dam 

A*dam 

IDS musings: a positive week

International Health Week and Canadian Landmine Awareness Week all in one shot! I am so happy to be volunteering again- the year off last year felt right, but I'd forgotten how much voom it gave me. Of course it's self serving, as I get praised, and get to exhibit my creativity, but at the same time I hope that I'm helping just a little. In IDS I get bogged down with hopelessness for the world so often. I am greatful to people around me who keep reminding me that little things make a difference, and that I don't need a revolution to affect change.

Where I've been is certainly not where I'm going

create your own visited country map
or check our Costa Rica travel guide

So. According to me this is completely inadequate. I've only visited 5percent of our great Earth...only 5percent of the landmass at that! 12 countries. My goal is to see red.

Pour Devrai: Toronto

Oh! What a wonderful city! Since Matthieu and I seemed to be the only ones not getting out of Toronto for reading week, we decided to do everything we hadn't in Toronto to date (and some of our favourite things that we've done a million times). We had indian buffet in Little India, went to the children's theatre, checked out St Lawrence Market (if you love a deli...), window shopping on Queen Street, baking muffins, coffee on King Street, triple feature movies until early morning, Gerstien study sessions, Roxy Blu, breakfast, and planning our futures. It doesn't look like much on virtual paper, but it filled our week and was wonderful! WONDERFUL. I can't even describe it...perhaps I should just get to the moral of the story: if you build it, life will come. And friends will make it glow.

PENNIES

Hello!

And welcome to my blog about pennies. I am having another penny party where you save your pennies for a month or so (and all other pocket change), and then sometime in March bring it over to my house where we'll be partying and rolling it. The proceeds go to Candadian Physicians for Aid and Relief, for their work with landmine survivors and other international health issues.

So, I urge you, even if you're in a different country or different city, save your pennies, etc, change them at the bank, and send even just 5 dollars for this worthy cause. Last time I had one at my house we raised over $500 for the Salvation Army.

I will let you know later on when the party will be, so please rsvp to my comments or email to let me know if you want to participate.

Kate

Goodlums

It is a beautiful day. The sun is out, the snow is fresh and the sky is blue. But also along the lines of beauty is my mood in general, the world through my eyes. I have just finished Cool To Be Kind by the boys of the Extreme Kindness Crew, and my faith in goodness is restored. Lost in a jumble of cyclical development discourses, I have been using my intention to "develop" as a source of arrogance, and inaction. I am stuck in this notion of development being impossible without a radical overhaul of the world system, and I don't like radical activism, but at the same time feel like I'm doing something better than other people who aren't in development. The boys have put goodness in my hands again, and made me a more humane than I've been in a long time. And while I'm still not ready to give up my hope of saving the world, for day to day life, goodness is pretty good.

three months

C'est toujour comme ca!

Picking Favourites

Terribly social all of a sudden. Who knew it was so easy? There's always something to do. Could it be that I've finally found my place in Toronto, only to be leaving it in the next month or four? Alas, the problem with moving about is that you have too many terrific friends in so many places, and lack the ability to maintain daily interaction with them. Sarah said to me the other day that it was amazing because most of her favourite people were in the same city all at once and that had never happened before. I can't imagine that ever happening! It would have to be a mixture of Holland, BC, Toronto, and France. And perhaps a little London and Tanzinia thrown in. But, instead of analysis and planning, I should be content with the status quo, and the fact that so far this semester, every day has been filled with something wonderful.

Gezellig

I love this country. This trip has been a study on how to force the cohesion of things I like about Holland and Canada and myself in both of these places. I like the intensity of friendships in Canada, but I like the informality and frequent going out in Holland, and the "live in the present" attitude. Perhaps it is just the friends that I have here?

I just spent a week away from my family here, first going to Doetinchem where lived three summers ago. I had new years with Joliet and Erik and the rest of the crew, and apart from the double takes, it was as though I'd never left. Then on to Groningen for a few days with Frank; it was fantastic as usual. We've all planned to meet up in Madrid in three years time. I'll keep you posted on that.

Tomorrow I'm back on the plane, ready to enable fusion of two worlds.

A'dam: Wereld Stad

Yesterday was wonderful! After three days of delightful but unknowlingly rather oppressive family, we escaped (thanks to Nederlanse Spoorwegen) to Amsterdam. First we wandered over canals to the Noord Kerk (north church), and ate apple pie (the best dutch kind) and coffee in an obviously popular cafe on the corner. We had to wait for a while with tray in hand for a space to become available. From there we walked to the Dam square (which houses the Grand Kransnapolski hotel, the Palace, the New Church, the Bijkorf, and Madam Tussads). We'd done it all before, so walked through the shopping streets to the Van Gogh Musem. We spent a few delightful hours there. Can you believe that in the two months before he killed himself, VG made 80 paintings? That's more than one a day! From there we wandered through a market, broodje kroket and patat in hand. On the other end we found a little bar from eons ago, and went on a bit of a pub crawl through all the oldest bars in A'dam. When we were feeling warm, we decided to check out Ocean's 12, and were very much pleased (especially since part of it takes place in Amsterdam). Finally, we got soarma and donerkebab for the way home (extra garlic sauce) and ran for the train.

The idea for today was to repeat in Rotterdam, but the conditions outside are slightly uncondusive to a day of wandering around the city. Instead, we'll stay inside with books and emails.

Arrived

After a three hour delay in the Toronto airport (well spent reading A House for Mr. Biswas by Naipaul), I found myself on the plane seated between to men, visible polar opposites. To my left was the tall skinny pale nervous guy, and to my right was the shorter squater darker sort of odorous guy. Turns out, from my conversations with each, that they were also internally polar opposites also. With one I spoke about the spectroscopic measurement of flames he was doing for his post doctoral research, and spoke French with him about everything else under the sun. With the other I talked about his flight squeemishness, and how he resolved it by his faith in Allah and by reading the Qu'ran during take off and landing, and later I helped him determine whether the cereal bar we were given was halal. It was interesting because both had such definite world views and hard set beliefs, but they came from extremely different places. I felt a bit like the middle ground, with my tendecy towards atheism, and my scientific skepticism.

Now I'm here in The Netherlands, reflecting on a delightful flight, and a delightful fish dinner, and a still more delightful breakfast, waiting for the rest of the delight that is in store for me.

Day One: Freedom

My first day post-exams: delightful, mixed with occassional bouts of stress due to the overwhelming feeling that there was something that I was supposed to be doing. Hope that this feeling will become less frequent as the christmas vacation progresses. In general, this freaks me out, because the level of stress I felt this semester is out of line.

Today:
-Woke up late (10am)
-Cleaned the house a bit
-Welcomed friend Kate who spent the semester in England
-Looked at photos and was filled in a bit
-Spent three hours traversing urbania with Kate in tow: Yorkville, Downtown, Zara, Capezio, the Munk Centre for International Studies, UofT, Red Room, China Town, The Annex, Honest Eds and back through Greektown and home again.
-Decorated the house with tacky Honest Eds and Chinatown decorations while watching Love Actually (freaked out on the couch a couple of times thinking I was supposed to be doing something.)
-Mel joined: Kraft dinner and Wolf Blass, followed by Shrek two and a small amount of arts and crafts.

And so begins my vacation.

notes

The semester from hell (well mostly, I learned a lot which is delightful) is now over. Holy mother Thank YOU!

Time to start the readings for next semester...I mean MAKE THINGS- it's like I've been waiting forever for this.

And Cheers to closer friends in Olivia. you're mask-tastic.

Gotta get through this

I struggle with 'getting through it' phases of life. I quite like life in general, and there are some really excessively great bits, but sometimes I find that I try, but can't seem to like what's going on. I mean, I can see technically that I shouldn't hate it, and there's lots of great things going on at the same time, but my emotions are just not responding favourably. Perhaps an example will be more illustrative. I am in my third year crunch: the past two weeks have been the hardest academically to get through so far in my uni career, and I can't wait for the next two to be over, because they're mental as well. But in my heart I feel that I shouldn't hate it- I like school, and I don't like having 'get through it' times because I feel that then all the normal (like school, work) bits of my life will be get throughs to the exceptionally good bits. Maybe what I'm asking of myself is to just enjoy everyday life more, and that's the problem. I used to like everyday life much better than I do right now, but I feel like I should right now also because the same things are going on. Also, I would like to be able to control my happiness...say that I'm going to be happy about this and then-ta da- I would be happy about it. And then eventually I wouldn't have to think about it, I would just be happy about everything (or most things). People suggest that I should pay attention to the good details more, but I don't think that's the issue- I see good things everywhere, my heart just doesn't see them. I suppose it's an issue of needing to be surprised by joy: one can't look for it. But how do I stop looking?

Party analysis

Why is it that I only party in Europe? Do we have some going out deficiency here in Canada? Is it the people I hang out with? It seems that it's so much of an effort here, cause you've gotta get all fancied up, and end up taxiing home, money... lineups, bla bla bla. I miss being in the same place every friday night in Doetinchem; what does it take for that to happen here? I'm sure that it's got a lot to do with me and my butterflys about coordinating outings- I never want to lead the way and have it be a failure! I think it also has to do with only having a limited number of friends here...in Victoria it's easier, though not as great as in Holland, because you know that you'll know someone no matter what. Even in Montreal I found it tough, even with the copious venues, as I felt I didn't really have anyone to ask, and even those I did it stressed me out to plan something. Basically, I just wanna be able to call someone up, and go for a beer, and then dance my ass off, without it being such a hassle!

So, this becomes my homework: find a venue to enable zero stress going out, go...with or without a posse, and one day a posse will develop.

Test for Landmines

WE're having a forum YAY!

Kate "Clean Clothes" Jongbloed

A moment of happiness, a moment of elation. During the time I spent in Scarborough today, a washer miraculously appeared in our kitchen! It's ugly and bootleg, and who knows where it came from and when its function will be replaced with our own functioning washer, but for right now I'm just exctatic at the prospect of clean underwear! clean socks! more vetement choice! I had resorted to a new value village wardrobe every week to get over this hump of non-laundry (I calculated and figured it would only be about twice as expensive as using the laundromat, and it would be money more lastingly spent in the long run as I would still wear the new clothes after our washer was returned in full working order, and it had the bonus of minimizing my insatiable appetite for clothes shopping.), but now the long loved staples will be back in rotation!

So, I'm currently in a mad rush to get as many loads done before my competition for washer access returns in the form of roommates. I figure I can at least get two or three loads through, and also get first dibs on the drying racks, which will certainly not go far given the amount of dirty laundry that will get clean tonight! I can just picture a gloriously messy house, covered top to bottom, on every available drying space, with our assorted styles and style mistakes!

Hurrah!

Stagnant Blog

I wonder, given my lack of interest in blogs (specifically mine) at the moment, if anyone will read this blog. However, in this case the tree still exists even if noone hears it fall.

I am in a one track mode right now. This year is all about PLACEMENT. Yes, three years ago when I decided I wanted to pursue an education in International Development, I was largely swayed by the prospect of one year overseas working in a development situation. And so, preparation for that year is now upon me...inside me...in my head, on my tongue, in my inbox. Some things are becoming clearer: I will actually find myself in a country of the Global South in 9 months or less. I am excited and scared shitless at this notion, fearing curling iron withdrawl and a general sense of uselessness/helplessness. I also know that there are some VERY interesting initiatives going on in the world with the intent to alleviate poverty, and I'm interested in being part of one (or more as life goes on).

I find myself in meetings with potential employers, excited about their projects and mandate, or in others, afraid at the responsibility and self-direction that is required of me. I am conscious of my marks, of the potential to apply the things I'm learning in class, and the state of my resume.

These being the thoughts cycling through my head, I think it's important also to look at the linear and the concrete that is also present in my thoughts: I would really like to find myself in South Asia next year, working with people who I learn from and who direct me successfully in a project that I feel is useful and productive in the face of extreme inequality. Period. This being said, I'm sure that wherever I end up, it will be an experience like none other- perhaps one that I will be loath to repeat, but one that helps me learn about the world a whole lot more and propells me out of academia into real life.

So, stay tuned for my placement wows and woes. Perhaps I'll write more from Anuradhapura?

Kate

Yo

I think that fall is my favourite season. I always go in for transition, although I tend not to deal with it very well. Fall is one of those times that catches up (or slows down) to fit my state of mind. I feel like a cozy and solitary but on the go person most of the time, and fall is that time of year. You bundle up to go out, but still go out. Everything feels so alive, and the weather is perfect for my favourite new look: old man chic. Thank you value village for your trench coats and wool pants. Anyway, I must go and enjoy my season. Peace.

It's getting cold in here.

Bah. Winter is setting in. It is one of those yummy sundays where you're unlikely to venture out of the house, as you're content to avoid adventure for the day. The colours of my bedroom were made for days like this, and so were miso soup lunches. My housemate Jen is wandering around with a vivid pink scarf around her neck, and the cold really is just making things more warm.

I am struggling with a paper that calls for me to revolutionize development. Of course I'm struggling. If I could just slip one novel or innovative idea in I would be content. Alas, I feel academically marginalized to such an extent, which combined with a general dissatisfaction with development as a notion makes it virtually impossible to complete the assignment.

And in my current state of coziness and overflowing creativity (it's been one of those months...one of those that I've never had before), I just want to MAKE SOMETHING! With this in mind I have resolved to perhaps allow myself an hour or two to convert my flowerpot bench into an ottoman. Wish me luck.

Kate

M.Dot

Am in Montreal once again, if only for a moment. As we approached (I was driving!), I felt this wave of emotion (as it seems that all emotion comes in waves, no matter how generic that may sound) fill me with love and excitement for being back. And as we drove up St Laurent, I felt at home, and that I fit in. It's a reaction that I didn't expect, as I've been so happy in Toronto. I guess I'll just have to reserve a smidgen of my future to come back here.

Hurrah for happiness.

life

I feel like I have a lot of posts that are entitled life. I define life sort of separate from living. Right now I'm in a life phase, because my days are full full full, but I've got no exceptional stories to recount as a result. I wake up at 7, eat breakfast, go to school, maybe go to work or the gym or do homework, and sometimes paint, go out, and eat gyros, which fills my day completely until 11:30 when I fall into bed exhausted. Then, of course, it starts all over again. Living, on the other hand, provides the kind of entertainment I know you, the four that read my blog, love and want.

However, I must admit that I'm finding huge satisfaction and general happiness as a result of life right now. I'm keeping up with myself for the first time in ages, and producing output. Hurrah. Really, I don't know anyway else to explain it.

No-Value Mart

So, I've done it before and I'll do it again. This blog is part Kate, part comparative food shopping/vending exploits. Perhaps that is me?

I went to the local Valu-Mart today, and as usual the entire experience was ridiculous. Perhaps my supermarket perceptions are warped because of my tremendous epicerie experiences in Montreal (see previous posts for details), but I don't think so. There was one time when there was a two per customer limit on toilet paper, and the couple infront of me was trying to buy six packages. I stepped in and offered to buy the third pair, so they handed me the money and I gave it to the cashier. Instead of a simple, "sorry, you can't do that", I got a verbal melodrama on how she was going to lose her job because of us and bla bla bla. Another crucial factor in the Valu-Mart's ridiculous masquerade as somewhere I'd really like to spend the 6oclock dash for tonight's dinner is the fact that they hire hairnetted old women to restock the shelves instead of delightful young men (think Thrifties Produce Boys....hawt.) Also, they're having a phase now of selling President's Choice credit cards. It's always the same guy, but he asks me to sign up every time, both on my way in and way out.

But, today, it was probably the most practical disappointment I've experienced at No-Valu Mart. I went in for three items: (knowing full well that I'd end up with more) soft tortillas, yogurt and milk. First, they have no whole wheat tortillas. Fine, okay, they can only get a limited amount each day to ensure that they don't have surplus because they won't be able to sell it anymore because it's not fresh. Okay. Second, yogurt. The store didn't have any plain skim yogurt. None. Not even the expensive brand. And I was there at the time of day when everyone does their shopping, on a weekday! Milk I had no trouble with but then came the extra items. Popcorn. I seriously went up and down every possible isle looking for it...except obviously the frozen food section where it would not have been. Wrong. There it was, right next to the door to the back, next to the halibut nuggets and lean cuisine. It's not the first time I've had trouble finding stuff there. I went for nacho chips, and there weren't any. Ridiculous, no? Okay, today I found where they are hidden...in the mexican food isle, nowhere near the chips and pop!

AAAAArrrrgggg! All I ask for is for a well organized grocery store, with reasonable prices and friendly faces. Will every shopping trip be a hike out of my neigbourhood or a battle with nonexistant logic and unhappy staff? Shoot me now.

Neutrality

I know that I've talked to some of you about it already, but I just wanted to say it here. I've been feeling very intellectually neutral lately, as though there's a lot going in but not a lot coming out as a result. I've becoming introverted, not only socially, but academically as well. I have a tutorial class where one gets marks for participation, but I fear speaking up. Elizabeth Bennett (Pride and Prejudice) once said, "We don't like to speak unless we'll say something that will amaze the whole room," and I often feel that way. The discussion we have is nothing but regurgitation of the text or the class, said as if it was our own. Yet I can't seem to rise above that type of conversation myself. I want to amaze the whole room!

Ah Ha!

I am online again. Hurrahrific.

My mum is here visiting in Toronto. It's great to spend time with her, as it's been a while, but more than that too: this is the first time she's come to visit me at my house. Prior to this, she's never seen the way I live when I'm not at home in BC. For the past year, I've had a whole life- friends, routines, habitat- that she's never seen before. I'm glad that now when I chat to her on the phone, she'll know what I"m talking about. She'll know the comute to school, but that it's worth it not to live in Scarborough. She'll know who Sarah is when I tell her it's her birthday. She'll know where I'm sitting when I tell her I'm emailing her from the library.

It's always strange to have a past life and a present one overlap. Jess is in town from Montreal...there's overlap there too. I guess I should perhaps categorize less?

I'm back.

Love Kate

Woodbine and Danforth

In my new house in Toronto. Wow. Toronto isn't Montreal, and I can't really deal. But, at the same time, it's good to be here, and I'm having fun in our new house. I got my metro pass and I feel a bit more mobile, but it's nothing like turning a corner and buying beer at the dep. Forgive me for comparing, dear Toronto. I can't help it!

I'm strict into my getting ready for school regime: getting up by 9 each day, not drinking coffee, sleeping by 11 and getting things done. A bit different than the summer no?

I'm in limbo right now, without furniture, without plates...it was different in res because at least one had a bed and a dresser! Thankfully, Ella is moving in on Thursday and bestowing upon me a magnificent futon! The rest must be gleaned from trips to Honest Ed's and Ikea (which my dad claims is not meeting its former standards.)

And so, such is life...a hodge podge of to do and finished and what next.

What next?

The Prodigy

Tee hee. JF just bought me the new Prodigy cd and it rocks my world. I had tried to strategically line up for the listening station at HMV without cramping the guy's style who was on it, or pressure him to leave. So, I threw the earphones of another station on, so I wouldn't look like I was loitering. Alas, in the time it took me to do that, the switch had happened and I had missed my chance. When I finally got it, I shook my booty right there in the store! Hurrah!

Funny how the cd case is so so so similar to the new Basement Jaxx. Anyway, hurrah for owning cds, as I don't unless someone gives them to me!

This cd is good for an emotional day. I'm a bit up and down today, as one of my roommates left for BC today, I'm about to head back to Toronto, and it doesn't feel that i've got everything figured out (like a bed???). Also, it's sad to leave this wonderful wonderful city...not only am I leaving it behind, but the part of me that is Montreal- because that is definitly not university. Anyway, from my perspective change is always good. Dan Cownden who came to visit us this summer here said that it's best to leave anything, or stop eating anything, just before you get sick of it.

Love Kate

PS- HAPPY BIRTHDAY KATE!!!

EOS

A day off. What do I do with myself, really? Well, breakfast is for sure. Then I've got oodles of logistics stuff to work out, as the next two weeks are going to be mayhemic. The St Laurent St Sale is this weekend, so I"ll be making sanwiches 12 hrs a day for the next four days, then heading to Brennan's going away party before perhaps hitting New York with JF for a few days. Then I've gotta make sure I've got all I need, stuff wise, to get into a car with Mila and drive back to Toronto, where i live in a house I don't even know the address of! Holy Fuck!

It's just great that I always feel like I"m doing something exciting.

Love Kate

Ps Hello to anyone on placement who reads these?

Gratuit

If I were to pick my top ten of Montreal, which I'm not, I would definitly include Moving Day. From what I've heard, once upon a time rent was very very cheap here, especially in the Plateau district where I live. So, people got into the habit of moving as often as they wanted, and for some reason that was all the time. Whenever they move, they leave all the things that they don't want on the side of the street. This means that the days around the first of the month provide for excellent scavenging. Last month, I went out with the Moving Day Guru, Batman, and found a mint condition (and very comfy) computer chair, and a huge ornate mirror. The two went well together in terms of transport home. Today I found a wooden dresser, which I will sand and prime today, and eventually paint (when I figure out how I want it.) All I still need is a desk, and I'm set for Toronto. Of course there's still a bed as well, but there are limits to what one will pick up off the street! Another win for No Budget Decorating.

NoBudget Decor

Lordy lordy am I a happy camper. I just finished a full day of painting, moving, painting, and rearranging. I heart decorating. The long story is that Jess, our summer roommate, has two rooms, and Brennan and I had to figure out who got which one. It was a tough deal because one is magnificent: huge comfy bed, desk, wardrobe, almost floor to almost ceiling windows, and basically just a way bigger squarefootage. The other room contained an ugly laminate floor, an uncomfy futon, a undelightful terracotta coloured wall, a window opening onto the noisy courtyard and the multi use computer (therefore a fair bit of traffic). I had the amazing room for 2 months (though Bren often shared the bed with me), and now have traded into the small room. I wasn't sleeping well, and was just plain disatisfied.

So, today we fixed it. Inspired by a new orange and pink mosaic mirror from a garage sale, Jess and I got to work. Twelve hours later, the computer is in our common space, I have a desk so I don't invade Bren's room, my bed is no longer under the window, the ugly wall is a nice sunny yellow, and the accessories (picture frames, clock, decorative records, lightswitches, paintings, etc) are all colour coordinated with the new mirror. I would say it's a bit of a candy room. The best thing about it is that Jess, who has a very different style from me (aka stolen icecream signs, Homestar runner paraphernalia, and billions of friend photos) still shines through with all the bright colours. That's important because it's her office during the year. As it stands, the transition will be simple- and an improvement from last semester. And...it only cost us $15!!!

Hurrah!

I used to redoo my room in Victoria at least twice a year, and not only did the finished product refresh me, but the process thrilled me. It's no different here. Perhaps 'Kate's No-Budget Student Decor, Inc.' is in my future?

Pavot, Sesame, Nature

Today I might have accidentally have bought way too many bagels. Should I start from the beginning? Earlier, I manipulated my way into a shift at work that perfectly made my week to 40 hours (11-2). I got home and it was ridiculously hot, so with a lot of effort I got myself off of the couch and ready for an adventure to Fairmount Bagels, which is about a 15 minute bike ride away, but makes the best bagels in the city. I'd never made the trip unsupervised before.

My first boob happened before i even left the house: I chose to wear my grey miniskirt. I can safely say that I've flashed every inhabitant in Montreal between Prince Arthur and Fairmount. I had to deposit my gst cheque (woo hoo) in the bank in the other direction, so I went there first, flash flash flashing all the way, and in general fearing for my life because of the sketchiness of the bike I was riding (one half brake...or maybe I should call it a "slow", pedals in a wonky angle, curly handlebars that aren't fixed very tightly, flat tires and basically a little too big for me...). I deposited the money, and went to get avocado and tomato to go with my prospective bagel sandwiches.

While I was in the store, a freak rain storm broke out, and so me, a granny in a moomoo (???) and the Clowns Sans Frontiers camped out in the grocery store for a while. Eventually, the weather chilled out a bit, and I took off again, flash flash flash. I made it to the bagel store, and stood in line, planning my order in French. I wanted half a dozen; a mix of poppy, plain and sesame. Unfortunatly, it must have come out as "please give me lots and lots and lots of bagels," because I ended up with 3 half dozens. I was too embarassed to correct the mistake, so I paid and left.

The ride home was going really well...there was no stop signs like there had been on the way, and I was just cruising along. Then I realized that the reason I had no stop signs was because I was going the wrong way down a one way street, and so they didn't indicate to wrong way traffic where to stop. So basically it was just really really lucky that I didn't get hit. Anyway, now I'm home and safe and will sit down, pop Big Fish in the VCR and eat my 1.5 dozen Fairmount Bagels.

Hier

Yesterday was perhaps my favourite so far this summer. I woke up late, and did some self maintenance before meeting our new found fabulous fabulous friend Ray for lunch. He took me out to Zenya, this delightfully chic and tasty sushi restaurant high up in a building on St Catherines Street. Tres delicieuse! I wandered around the underground world of the Bay and the Eaton's centre, and emerged in Little Italy (with help of the Metro) at about 4pm. I had a visual meal of the Jean Talon market, and sat on a little terrace with a cappuccino and A Prayer for Owen Meany. I wandered back along St. Laurent Street to my house, where I found Brennan on the balcony. We ate grapes (what you never thought you'd miss by not living with your parents, until you realized how expensive they are...except in Montreal) and discussed our extreme singledom, after which I had a nap. Brennan woke me at 8, and we went to Ceramic Cafe to paint pots and giggle. The night was topped off with an adventure with Roz and Bren to le Parking, a multi tiered discotheque in the Gay Village. Thursdays is straight friendly night. I was in bed by about 3, and up early this morning ready for the 12 hour shift ahead of me at the deli.

The nice things about days like yesterday is that once you've had one, they're easily repeated.

Love Kate

Today

Yes, these posts are few and far between. Somehow I've managed to kick my computer addiction, but I"m sure it will be back in full force in September. In short, life is good, MOntreal is fun, I'm an over analyst and work in general blows goats.

Oranje

Ah. The Virus is gone. I have my own computer once again, and there is noone staying in our guest room for the moment (only for the moment), so I can breathe and blog.

Since the last series of less than enthusiastic blogs, my general temperament has become much better. I seem to have reached an equilibrium between work and play...though there are some extras I should also be working on (must pick and sign up for my courses by next wednesday.)

I know that this sounds nearly terrible, but others inability to cope in certain situations makes me realize that my capability is actually greater than I sometimes think. Lately, the deli has been mayhem, first with the steet fair, and now since Mila (the store manager) has left. Occasionally I feel my irk increasing, but mostly I just do my best. Many of the others get more and more pessamistic, more and more stressed. I may worry, and I may over analyze, but luckily not nearly as much as some people. Funny that the deli always helps put things in perspective for me.

In other news, Vive le Pays Bas!

Love kate

OOps

Don't think I finished my last blog. Sorta indicative of how I feel about Kidding Just at the moment...about how I feel in general. Perhaps General should be a proper noun. I'm in a fabulous city, and a fabulous part of a fabulous city, but feel bored and alone a lot of the time. I think it's a product of living surrounded by people for the past year that I've completely forgotten what it was like to entertain myself, as I've done in every other city I've ever been to, apart from Toronto. I try to force myself out of the bubble that holds me back from exploring and adventuring sans roommates. Still working on it.

As I do with most things, I've tried to discover a remedy to the things that ail me, and here's what I've come up with. And, as per usual, they are fairly standard however hard to come up with slash implement. I will get out more...I will try to meet other people...I will follow my heart, responding eagerly to its call to excitement...I will say yes to every opportunity that presents itself (easier when I felt slightly more wealthy)...I will regain my academic vigour, as a month off of internalizing important information is surely long enough...I will maybe once in a while go for a run.

SO, as I often say, wish me luck.

St Laurent

I live near an extremely trendy street here in Montreal. I'd say I can't stand it, but really I revel in it, and as a result, get totally dressed up to do my grocery shopping. And it's nothing like an everything-you-need Thrifties run. No. Today, in my pointed silver flats, coiff, delightfully distressed jeans, black off-the-shoulder shirt and fabulous dangly earrings, my first stop was the bootleg dry goods store right around the corner: bananas, always 49 cents a pound; all bran for $1.99; tofu, cottage cheese, sundried tomatoes. Then, I went to the ancient grocer with the ancient cash register, who always gets peeved when I squeeze his avacados: "Les tous sont bien". His wife died recently though, so we

ARRRRRrrrrrrrrrgggggggggg!

Oh! The anguish that is missing a great plane fare online and facing the prospect of spending 200 more dollars than you thought you were going to. My insides are twisted, I'm speaking too quickly, and I find myself on the verge of lividity. It is expedited by my exhaustion resulting from full days speaking French to mostly less than accomodating customers, wrestling with my computer's wonky algorhythms, working out the details of September 2004 and beyond, and my current battle with homesickness!

So, I cry out for help...can anyone help me find a really cheap plane ticket to Vancouver from Montreal or Toronto during the first two weeks of June?

Love you all.

Decisions Decisions...

Am a bit stressed. I am at a point where I need to make a decision but don't quite have the right information. Something that has to be done now depends on something that doesn't have to be done now, and so I'm stuck. Plus, other people are in the mix, and I don't want to put pressure on them because of my inability to decide. When I speak in such general terms about a specific situation I find that it applies to more than one context present in my life. Figuring things out is hampered by my exhasution, potent deli smell, and laziness regarding dinner. It would all be okay if I could just be face to face with my parents for a moment or two! I miss you and love you both!

Thank heavens I have the house to myself.

September 2004

It is as though I've been here for weeks, months. My french is steadily getting better (Est-ce que vous voulez une sandwich saucisse douce avec de la moutard fort et du choucroute?), we now are the proud owners of a pet fish, and I'm starting to know my way around the city.

I'm starting to think a lot about what I'm going to do next year, whether I'll be at school again, or off on an adventure. How long can I prolong my undergrad degree while maintaining self legitimacy?

Sorry the blogs are so infrequent...life is fairly consistent, however delightful.

The good days keep rolling. I feel like I could just give you a blow by blow account of every day, because each is that worthy, but I also find that blogs like that tend to be rather uninteresting to read. So, i will hold out until I have a slightly profound thought, or more.