The up and downness of this trip is overwhelming. Luckily I just realized that I was on vacation and so I didn't have to try to be productive or feel guilty for sleeping in and spending all day with friends. Guilt is one of my least favourite emotions, but for some reason school instills it in me. The only time I don't feel guilt is when I'm not studying. And so, it the last week of my trip to Victoria (seven days and counting) I am trying to live it (perhaps the best moment was when I ran into an ex looking so so so fine!). And holy shit it's working!
Happy New Year to all.
Oh, and I saw Love Actually this evening and it was wonderful and fabulous.
12.30.2003
12.27.2003
We should go for coffee sometime!
Some say I analyze too much. The current theme of my contemplation can be simplified in one word: friends.
I am good at friendships, but less good at having a social life. Let me try to explain. I notice people around me that have groups of friends that are all interlinked and cohesive, at least from an outsider view. But that is what I tend to remain- an outsider. It has been many years since I considered myself part of a group. This summer, the sketchy bastards provided me with a fleeting sense of friendship cohesion, and I've gotten to know a group in Toronto, yet I still find myself with a mismatched ecclectic group of friends that each have their own groups. They find time for me outside of these groups, but eventually go back to them.
To me, it seems these groups provide constant entertainment that is not so readily available to someone with a serious of individual friendships. The group is always doing something in some form or combination, and since you are part of the group, you can always tag along. Instead, I find myself searching out something to do, having to plan ahead for some time with people that are busy with their other groups, and attending far too many one on one coffee dates than suits my liking.
So now is the time for analysis: why? Is it me, or is it them? Is it me concsiously or subconcsiously? I think that it's my constant desire for adventure and change, combined with my tendancy toward lonerdom. So often I would just rather do my own thing, and find myself eventually out of the loop. It's a cycle I find myself in constantly- I don't have enough of a social life, so I put myself out there...but then I've got too much of a social life, so I become introverted and begin saying no to invitations. And then it starts all over again. I'd solved the problem in Holland by saying Yes to every opportunity and invitation, but find it more difficult here as I've got the responsibilities of work and school to combine it with. And then there are those days when you've got too many invitations to deal with!
A lot of it has to do with self confidence- I don't feel good enough about myself to force my way into groups, or even into individuals lives that I like. And it perpetuates itself because I look down on myself when I lack sociality...Gah! If I decided to oversimplify right now, perhaps I'd just say that I've got to get over my fear of people and the rejection I strangely believe encompasses them.
I am good at friendships, but less good at having a social life. Let me try to explain. I notice people around me that have groups of friends that are all interlinked and cohesive, at least from an outsider view. But that is what I tend to remain- an outsider. It has been many years since I considered myself part of a group. This summer, the sketchy bastards provided me with a fleeting sense of friendship cohesion, and I've gotten to know a group in Toronto, yet I still find myself with a mismatched ecclectic group of friends that each have their own groups. They find time for me outside of these groups, but eventually go back to them.
To me, it seems these groups provide constant entertainment that is not so readily available to someone with a serious of individual friendships. The group is always doing something in some form or combination, and since you are part of the group, you can always tag along. Instead, I find myself searching out something to do, having to plan ahead for some time with people that are busy with their other groups, and attending far too many one on one coffee dates than suits my liking.
So now is the time for analysis: why? Is it me, or is it them? Is it me concsiously or subconcsiously? I think that it's my constant desire for adventure and change, combined with my tendancy toward lonerdom. So often I would just rather do my own thing, and find myself eventually out of the loop. It's a cycle I find myself in constantly- I don't have enough of a social life, so I put myself out there...but then I've got too much of a social life, so I become introverted and begin saying no to invitations. And then it starts all over again. I'd solved the problem in Holland by saying Yes to every opportunity and invitation, but find it more difficult here as I've got the responsibilities of work and school to combine it with. And then there are those days when you've got too many invitations to deal with!
A lot of it has to do with self confidence- I don't feel good enough about myself to force my way into groups, or even into individuals lives that I like. And it perpetuates itself because I look down on myself when I lack sociality...Gah! If I decided to oversimplify right now, perhaps I'd just say that I've got to get over my fear of people and the rejection I strangely believe encompasses them.
12.23.2003
Back in Victoria: After A Few Days
I was right about the limbo, but hadn't counted on the mental distortions that would be caused by so much familiarity. Victoria is familiar, but so is Toronto, and so it keeps getting confused in my head. Walking in Thrifties, or to work this morning, I keep expecting to run into people (normal...you can't go anywhere in Vic without seeing people you know), but the people I'm expecting to run into are Kate and Phil and Saniye and Mel and Jen...and they don't live here.
If asked to evaluate this return home so far, I would give it a very positive review. It has helped me to recognize once again why I picked up and left. But also I've got some satisfaction recognizing how Victoria is a really big part of me, no matter how I want to deny it. THe question is just how do I organize myself to include good things of both worlds in my life?
On another note...
I've sort of left christmas behind this year. I put lots of effort in with my roomies, but my other loved ones, and liked ones have missed out on the traditional Kate Christmas Effort. I plan to be back in action next year, especially as I've lost touch with people this year due to changes in habitation habits. Basically, in short, I wanna do christmas better next year, beacause I love all of you and you don't know it!
Love Love Love
Kate
If asked to evaluate this return home so far, I would give it a very positive review. It has helped me to recognize once again why I picked up and left. But also I've got some satisfaction recognizing how Victoria is a really big part of me, no matter how I want to deny it. THe question is just how do I organize myself to include good things of both worlds in my life?
On another note...
I've sort of left christmas behind this year. I put lots of effort in with my roomies, but my other loved ones, and liked ones have missed out on the traditional Kate Christmas Effort. I plan to be back in action next year, especially as I've lost touch with people this year due to changes in habitation habits. Basically, in short, I wanna do christmas better next year, beacause I love all of you and you don't know it!
Love Love Love
Kate
12.18.2003
Tarawna (aka Toronto)
Things are coming to an end. Exams are finished, this semester is finished, and roomie christmas is finished. I've just cleaned and packed and am ready to head home (almost...another day of work tomorrow). As I sit here and write my last blog before I turn my computer off for the year, I feel like barfing. I know that's perhaps not as eloquent as I could have put it, but I can't say that I'm excited, or that I'm nervous. I mentioned briefly a couple of posts ago about how I fear the feeling of limbo that Victoria will provide me with. I've lived here in Scarberia for almost four months now, and it doesn't feel like home. Yet, it feels like I've been here all my life, and I'm not sure quite why I'm going somewhere else I occasionally call home. In short, here's not home, and there's not home, so where the fuck is home?
I've come to realize over the past few months how important something like home is. I felt that I would step off the plane here, and be happy with constant transience. But, it's not like Europe, and there isn't something constantly entertaining for me to do or see or hear. Instead it's a little bit boring, kinda like home. And so, while it isn't time for New Year's Resolutions, I will say that I've thought about what the next year holds: making Toronto a home I like, rather than a home that's not a home. The recipe is forming in my head as we speak.
Happy roomie christmas- I'll miss you girls! And I'll see you Victorians Soon!
I've come to realize over the past few months how important something like home is. I felt that I would step off the plane here, and be happy with constant transience. But, it's not like Europe, and there isn't something constantly entertaining for me to do or see or hear. Instead it's a little bit boring, kinda like home. And so, while it isn't time for New Year's Resolutions, I will say that I've thought about what the next year holds: making Toronto a home I like, rather than a home that's not a home. The recipe is forming in my head as we speak.
Happy roomie christmas- I'll miss you girls! And I'll see you Victorians Soon!
12.14.2003
The Most Exciting Day of My Life Part VI
Today I crossed something else off my list, and had a fabulous time doing it. Last night I prayed for snow, because I figured it was about time. When Phil picked me up at 7:30 this morning, my prayer had been answered, much to his chagrin. We headed to the 401 and passed slowly by people in ditches, and people spinning all over the road. The conditions were pretty bad, but by that time we figured we’d gone far enough that we may as well keep going. Still, I wasn’t prepared for the woman right in font of us innocently losing control and spinning in circles in slow motion as we tried carefully to avoid creating a bigger collision. It was crazy.
We made it to the Falls in one piece though, but about four minutes before arriving in front of the Casino, we decided to continue farther and visit the American side of the falls. And then I nearly lost it because the excitement was so great! After a breakfast (Dennys- true American style), we went out into the near-empty town to see what we came there to see. We reached rapid foreplay (as Phil called it),
and my already excited self got more excited! And then…the falls. Niagara fucking falls. One of the biggest disappointments of my life. But for some reason my picture turned out well!
We watched a touristy movie in an empty theatre (surprised more people don’t go to see Niagara Falls in a snow storm), where the falls looked fabulous and magnificent. What were we missing (found out later we’d just seen the American falls, not the actual big ones…ah well, will go back in the summer)? So, we decided to spend the rest of our adventure inside in true American style: we went to an outlet mall where I Christmas shopped for myself.
Now I’m back home safe and sound, and feel the satisfaction of having had another amazing day to add to my collection. Before signing off, I want to thank Phil for being great, and for driving on such a crazy day, and putting up with my ridiculous enthusiasm through all of it.
We made it to the Falls in one piece though, but about four minutes before arriving in front of the Casino, we decided to continue farther and visit the American side of the falls. And then I nearly lost it because the excitement was so great! After a breakfast (Dennys- true American style), we went out into the near-empty town to see what we came there to see. We reached rapid foreplay (as Phil called it),
and my already excited self got more excited! And then…the falls. Niagara fucking falls. One of the biggest disappointments of my life. But for some reason my picture turned out well!
We watched a touristy movie in an empty theatre (surprised more people don’t go to see Niagara Falls in a snow storm), where the falls looked fabulous and magnificent. What were we missing (found out later we’d just seen the American falls, not the actual big ones…ah well, will go back in the summer)? So, we decided to spend the rest of our adventure inside in true American style: we went to an outlet mall where I Christmas shopped for myself.
Now I’m back home safe and sound, and feel the satisfaction of having had another amazing day to add to my collection. Before signing off, I want to thank Phil for being great, and for driving on such a crazy day, and putting up with my ridiculous enthusiasm through all of it.
12.13.2003
Shaky vs. Sketchy
After a shaky week, I am ready for Niagara falls (thanks dad for spelling enlightenment). Everyone warns me of the letdown that awaits me, but I am prepped for a fantastic day. It's just snowed here, and hopefully it will again tonight, ready for a sunny christmassy day tomorrow. This week is going to be a full one- economics exam on Tuesday, party at Phil's in the evening, Christmas shopping on Wednesday, Roomie Christmas on Thursday, working at the Deli on Friday, and then flying to Victoria on Saturday. So much excitement!
I must admit that I'm excited to be coming home, but at the same time wary of the feeling of limbo that it will probably instill in me once again.
I must admit that I'm excited to be coming home, but at the same time wary of the feeling of limbo that it will probably instill in me once again.
12.10.2003
Looking forward to Victoria
The maybe-i'll-reach-13 list of things I'm excited about for my christmas vacation:
1) Rocky Mountain Muffins from UVIC.
2) Randomly showing up at Dan Cownden's house, because he always does it to me, and I've missed it.
3) Having to take a ferry.
4) Walking up the stairs at my dad's house to find him reading the globe and mail while simultaneously listening to DNTO on the CBC.
5) The Times Colonist (tee hee hee)
6) Christmas dinner with a family that's not my own.
7) Watching Pride and Prejudice with my mum.
8) Boy watching at thrifties
9) Sitting outside at Paradiso in Bastion Square (though I have a feeling it might be the wrong time of year).
10) Volvos.
11) Perhaps I might run into someone I know?
12) The arrival of one of my favourite things about Toronto, in the City Formerly Known as Home.
13) Being reunited with The Ultimate Soul Collection
14) Grant, Sabrina, Brennan, Miguel, Jess, Jess, Mum, Dad, Lola, Jason, DJ, Nick, Alex, Ryan, Steve, Ariel, Lindsay, Oli, Liam, Andrew, Adam, Kaitlyn
15) The Freaking OCEAN!!!!!!!!!
Made it past 13...maybe it will be fabulous after all!
1) Rocky Mountain Muffins from UVIC.
2) Randomly showing up at Dan Cownden's house, because he always does it to me, and I've missed it.
3) Having to take a ferry.
4) Walking up the stairs at my dad's house to find him reading the globe and mail while simultaneously listening to DNTO on the CBC.
5) The Times Colonist (tee hee hee)
6) Christmas dinner with a family that's not my own.
7) Watching Pride and Prejudice with my mum.
8) Boy watching at thrifties
9) Sitting outside at Paradiso in Bastion Square (though I have a feeling it might be the wrong time of year).
10) Volvos.
11) Perhaps I might run into someone I know?
12) The arrival of one of my favourite things about Toronto, in the City Formerly Known as Home.
13) Being reunited with The Ultimate Soul Collection
14) Grant, Sabrina, Brennan, Miguel, Jess, Jess, Mum, Dad, Lola, Jason, DJ, Nick, Alex, Ryan, Steve, Ariel, Lindsay, Oli, Liam, Andrew, Adam, Kaitlyn
15) The Freaking OCEAN!!!!!!!!!
Made it past 13...maybe it will be fabulous after all!
12.09.2003
46664
OMG. Gah! I just bought something online, and it was thrilling, I feel elated! And now I just want to buy more! I should have done all my christmas shopping online. It would have been so much freaking easier, but now I've left it too late. Quelle domage. Next year perhaps? Birthdays?
In keeping with the last entry I made, I have just purchased a christmas gift over the internet. Prior to this I had only ever bought plane tix online- I've never had something delivered to my door. And gosh do I feel modern!
I went to see a guest speaker a couple of weeks ago, and who knows exactly what he was talking about, but one thing he did bring up was christmas presents, suggesting that we all gave our families World Vision children. His point was, we all have everything we need anyway, and just keep giving because we want to show our love, that why don't we do it in a way that will give to the community at large. So, in keeping with that, I bought a tshirt from a worthy charity today, and will give it to a friend of mine for christmas. If it works out, watch out because you're getting a 46664 tshirt for christmas!
In keeping with the last entry I made, I have just purchased a christmas gift over the internet. Prior to this I had only ever bought plane tix online- I've never had something delivered to my door. And gosh do I feel modern!
I went to see a guest speaker a couple of weeks ago, and who knows exactly what he was talking about, but one thing he did bring up was christmas presents, suggesting that we all gave our families World Vision children. His point was, we all have everything we need anyway, and just keep giving because we want to show our love, that why don't we do it in a way that will give to the community at large. So, in keeping with that, I bought a tshirt from a worthy charity today, and will give it to a friend of mine for christmas. If it works out, watch out because you're getting a 46664 tshirt for christmas!
Bite the Wax Tadpole
It's time that I gave up my preposterous mission to eliminate christmas and just admit that I really really like it. For a while I've had troubles with being a default Christian and participating in its celebrations. This, combined with generic disgust at the levels of consumption and stress the holidays entail, made me decide to swear off the festivities this year. But swearing them off has enabled me to look at the fabulousness of the whole affair, and build on the parts of it I like. For example, the time off school, the availability of new books, the food and the cheeriness (for lack of a better word). And so, from that has sprung Roomie Christmas (only 9 days to go) and a yet to be determined celebration in Victoria.
An added plus was a visit from my favourite Christmas rooster today- Jen (my future roommate, party partner and accomplice in love of western sketchy bastards) stopped by with a magnetic dress-me-jesus (if you live in the area, it is available for viewing) and a wonderful letter letting me know my good points, according to her. It makes me want to turn to someone else fabulous in my life and let them know how amazing they are. Perhaps I'll put it on the to-do list for tomorrow (and so the cheeriness perpetuates itself).
Merry Christmas!
An added plus was a visit from my favourite Christmas rooster today- Jen (my future roommate, party partner and accomplice in love of western sketchy bastards) stopped by with a magnetic dress-me-jesus (if you live in the area, it is available for viewing) and a wonderful letter letting me know my good points, according to her. It makes me want to turn to someone else fabulous in my life and let them know how amazing they are. Perhaps I'll put it on the to-do list for tomorrow (and so the cheeriness perpetuates itself).
Merry Christmas!
12.08.2003
Just Save It
For all my dissatisfaction with the biases of the IDS program, and my frustration with its lack of applicability, something made me realize the value of this program today. Tonight I argued with the lovely and hospitable Beryl and Alan to the point of tears about the merit in attempting global change. While, to my aggravation, I lost miserably, I did figure out a couple of things. Although IDS hasn’t provided me with a step by step action plan for doing the right thing, they’ve made me think. What else is university for? The year away will be the trade school of development, not my political economy lecture. And really, thank heavens they're not trying to tell me what to think.
Perhaps more significantly, they made me understand (again…I know it, but so often I hope and then loose sight of reality a little) that I will probably not save the world. I will also probably not revolutionize development theory. But probably the best thing that I can do is plan a project and make it work. And if I do manage to innovate, it will most likely be on a small scale instead of finding immediate global applicability, but that’s okay. That’s okay.
With this momentary realization comes a feeling of purpose and calm. For this split second I know why I’m here. But then a new question that has been cycling my thoughts quickly appears, and I am stumped again. According to me, there are two bad things in the world: unhappiness, and poverty (My friends here would say that unrighteousness is key, but that’s a different story all together). Acknowledging that they are not completely independent, but are sufficiently removed from each other to be examined separately, which is more important?
Working in the deli, sitting in class, taking public transit all make me realize how many unhappy people there are out there. Holy Shit. Freaking Ridiculous. Can’t they see the sun is shining? But, on the other hand, 8,000 people die from aids per day in Africa, and more generally, people in the Third World, as well as in Canada, are poor beyond poor. Who needs to be helped? Does happiness eradicate poverty, or vice versa? Could I make more happiness than I could wealth?
I want to know how I can make the greatest amount of positive change in this world. Help.
Perhaps more significantly, they made me understand (again…I know it, but so often I hope and then loose sight of reality a little) that I will probably not save the world. I will also probably not revolutionize development theory. But probably the best thing that I can do is plan a project and make it work. And if I do manage to innovate, it will most likely be on a small scale instead of finding immediate global applicability, but that’s okay. That’s okay.
With this momentary realization comes a feeling of purpose and calm. For this split second I know why I’m here. But then a new question that has been cycling my thoughts quickly appears, and I am stumped again. According to me, there are two bad things in the world: unhappiness, and poverty (My friends here would say that unrighteousness is key, but that’s a different story all together). Acknowledging that they are not completely independent, but are sufficiently removed from each other to be examined separately, which is more important?
Working in the deli, sitting in class, taking public transit all make me realize how many unhappy people there are out there. Holy Shit. Freaking Ridiculous. Can’t they see the sun is shining? But, on the other hand, 8,000 people die from aids per day in Africa, and more generally, people in the Third World, as well as in Canada, are poor beyond poor. Who needs to be helped? Does happiness eradicate poverty, or vice versa? Could I make more happiness than I could wealth?
I want to know how I can make the greatest amount of positive change in this world. Help.
12.07.2003
Drama
Sometime about a year ago I picked up using the term drama. Drama drama drama. There's both good drama and bad drama. Most of it is delightfully entertaining. Drama from actions, drama from emotions, drama from preexisting drama. And the best thing is when you don't quite have enough of it, you can always make more. I frequently get accused of drama, as if it is an accusation. But I think the extent of drama in my life could be attributed to extremely positive things, such as vibrant friends and lots of enthusiasm for life in general.
Then there's drama for all the wrong reasons. Drama from rumor, drama from pain, drama from reactions, drama from preexisting drama. This drama overwhelms me and makes me want freedom from it. It makes me want a home, with security (of the love and money variety), and a chance to just breathe.
Can I have one without the other? Jeez, what a drama.
Then there's drama for all the wrong reasons. Drama from rumor, drama from pain, drama from reactions, drama from preexisting drama. This drama overwhelms me and makes me want freedom from it. It makes me want a home, with security (of the love and money variety), and a chance to just breathe.
Can I have one without the other? Jeez, what a drama.
12.03.2003
Catch Up
I am sitting at home, infront of the computer...something which happens fairly frequently. But, unlike most times, there is noone in my communicatory vacinity! As I crave alone time here in a place where I'm usually surrounded, this sudden appearance of lonliness is almost shocking. I feel deaf, because I can't hear anyone. And I don't know exactly what I'm going to do with myself this afternoon. But, I will make the most of it, and start with a list:
1) Catch up on email
2) Read an article or two for anthropology
3) Visit my economics prof at 3
4) Sing my heart out to Beyonce's Crazy In Love
5) Continue with Roomie Christmas preparations.
My roomates and I have officially made December 18th Roomie Christmas. We'll wake up early and do stockings before their 9am exam. While they're test-taking, Saniye and I will prepare a mega breakfast. Once that's finished, Saniye has an exam at 2, so while she's doing that, the rest of us will take in the third Lord of the Rings. We'll meet up at Swiss Chalet (he he he. I'm so Toronto) for christmas dinner before going downtown to watch Handel's Messiah. Sounds like the perfect Christmas to me!
And then, soon afterwards, I will find myself on a plane returning to beloved (wouldn't have guessed, eh?) BC. I find it strange that it takes me the same amount of time to get home as it takes my roommate from Ottawa.
1) Catch up on email
2) Read an article or two for anthropology
3) Visit my economics prof at 3
4) Sing my heart out to Beyonce's Crazy In Love
5) Continue with Roomie Christmas preparations.
My roomates and I have officially made December 18th Roomie Christmas. We'll wake up early and do stockings before their 9am exam. While they're test-taking, Saniye and I will prepare a mega breakfast. Once that's finished, Saniye has an exam at 2, so while she's doing that, the rest of us will take in the third Lord of the Rings. We'll meet up at Swiss Chalet (he he he. I'm so Toronto) for christmas dinner before going downtown to watch Handel's Messiah. Sounds like the perfect Christmas to me!
And then, soon afterwards, I will find myself on a plane returning to beloved (wouldn't have guessed, eh?) BC. I find it strange that it takes me the same amount of time to get home as it takes my roommate from Ottawa.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)