seeking x, y, and z

Currently in the glorious midst of a quintessential Sunday. I'm surrounded by the not-so-newsy bits of the weekend Globe and Mail, reading the inflated and exaggerated social commentary so desired of one of my class and intelligence. The remains of nutella sandwiches and glasses of overly pulpy orange juice are strewn about, and so are the articles clipped because they either embody my unvocalized thoughts on the Middle East crisis, or amuse me with their trivial yet disgustingly contemporary "news" ("Bang Bus runs over cyclist"). These guilty pleasures of newsprint and chocolate are tempered with three loads of laundry done, folded and organized according to tee shirts I like, tee shirts for work, and tee shirts for when all others are dirty. And the recently-used sleeping bag is outside airing for good anti-guilt measure. Beehtoven provides the musical accompaniment for this lovely lazy day. Alas, it shall soon be interrupted by the ever beckoning Cafe Crepe!

I am forever imagining what my life will be when I grow up. It's often framed in a spatial way: when I have an apartment/condo/house that is more permanent than an 8 month lease, and more satisfactory than 300 square feet or less, I will start doing x, y and z. In this case, x could be having an assortment of beverages on hand, for surprise visitors and random desires (instead of the current water, water and water I have to offer). Y could be subscribing to a magazine or newspaper, without worrying about change of address before recieving the first issue! And z could be doing laundry once a week, rather than waiting for EVERYTHING to be filthy before doing a marathon wash, during which I have to wear neon hotpants and a Victoria Commonwealth Games 1994 tee shirt, as they're the only things left. Or z's could be spending weekends as weekends, rather than days indistinguishable from the rest of the week.

This adds another element of satisfaction to my already appealing day: it signifies solidity, grown-upness, and "real life" in the face of transience, limbo, and constantly unstructured days/weeks/months that comprise being a STUDENT OF DEVELOPMENT...or maybe just what it is to be Kate?

blog introspective

Just read Meryl Evans' article on Five Quick Tips to Building a Better Blog. According to Meryl, there are certain ways to pass the "in the blink of an eye" test, which is usually how long people give to a blog before deciding whether to stay or move on. It's safe to say that I don't pass. But, it's exciting to read about this BLOG WORLD that I occasionally dabble in. And here is the big news: I think I will be increasing my dabble in the next few months. I am working with Canadian Physicians for Aid and Relief (CPAR) who I will work for in Ethiopia to create a blog hosted on their Canadian website to be used to increase the dialogue on development, and try out a new angle for gathering and maintaining donors. So, I am busy at the moment doing blogging research in order to maximize the reach and quality of the blog.

In addition, I intend to upgrade this blog. Thanks to some mentorship from Dev at DreamNow, I have been giving a lot of thought to active creation of my future. The result requires some self marketing. Since my career goals don't fit into a tried-and-true job box, I am working on a website that will act as a business card extension, helping people I meet to really understand my professional intentions. I plan to link this blog, with a new face, and implement Meryl's five tips...and a few others.

Stay tuned!

Cucurrucucu Paloma

Have been spending some time today listening to music from the films of Almodovar (I stumbled upon Habla Con Ella four years ago and have been crazy about them ever since). There's something very intense about the music that I don't find in my Whitney and Assorted Trance Singles. And so I got to thinking, using my general music choice as indicative of the whole Kate psyche, and realize that I actively pursue the avoidance of responsibility. I like thinking about real things, but fear experiencing them. What is it that holds me back? The ever pressing fear of failure. Perhaps I feel it more than others, but likely I am in precisely the same human boat as the rest of us. And so, I grab hold of things that give me confidence when I can. So today, as I listened to AT Ariyaratne, who started the Sarvodaya movement in Sri Lanka (development according to Ghandian and Buddhist principles), I grabbed hold of these sentiments:

Be Constructive, Not Destructive. Don't waste time defending yourself and what you're doing- just go and do it.

Those of us who want to change the world don't get much rest, while others spend quite a bit of time sleeping.

[If you see something bad in the world] don't worry about it, just work harder.

This is action without fear- I've got the thinking about it down pat, I've just got to have confidence to take action. And if you're in the mood, download some songs from Almodovar.

Kate

applauding diversity

I have recently realized that I've achieved a long-term lifestyle goal. While in the past I've felt like Kate Living and Kate Doing, where I have point of extreme play, and extreme travail, this is not the case at the moment. The success comes from an extremely diverse weekly to do list, and diversity keeps me interested. It avoids extremes. The component parts of LIFE at the moment are various and interesting: volunteering at CPAR and developing a possible placement with them, three courses at school, new volunteering at Bioline International, three or four shifts a week at Cafe Crepe, time spent with i and ella, random development engagements, and a little bit of Kate time and assorted errands. Most recently, I've just gotten a position as an e-mentor with DreamNow.ca...this is very exciting! I'll be helping to lead other youth through community and international development projects, starting with action planning with students at the YouCan Resolve conference. So, I'll be in Winnipeg next week, at this conference, hanging out with 400 other youth who are interested in Peace Building and Conflict Resolution, and I'll keep contact with about 50 of them, helping them to achieve their action goals! And they're going to pay me!

So, while the positive aspects of my lifestyle as illustrate here are numerous, I'd just like to highlight to parts. In general, hurrah for diversity in daily life. And more specifically, hurrah that I've got a job that is more relevant to my goals and interests than being a waitress!

seriosity

I am very anti serious conversations at the very beginning or the very end of something. Seriousness is best situated in the middle. I think this is my biggest parental beef, as mine are notorious for using seriousness as bookends. This either starts things off wrong, or leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

This is especially pertinent when you've just done something LOVELY, such as watching Bride and Prejudice, and then the parental unit switches immediatly to scheduling and to dos without a brief "basking in bollywood" intermission.

However, I suppose it could be argued that I am never in the mood for serious or to-do oriented conversation with my parents, regardless.

[disclaimer: despite serious beef, I love you both dearly and am having a wonderful visit!]

Kate-living, Kate-doing, or just Kate

The getting through it time of year is upon me once again. I've been glowing and flying for the past couple of months, busy with school, the theatre, CPAR, work, crepes, thoughts of cajun food, a clean room and walks through the city. But, today I am full of responsibility and forgetfulness of the WHY. So, I am going to take a moment to remind myself why I do exams, placement applications, job interviews, meetings with professors, work. I am going to take a moment to realize that there's an end in sight. I once told someone that to get through school I always told myself "do well in school to justify adventure". Today I have to tell myself do well in life to justify LIVING.

I love new things. I try to do or see something new every day. More than that, I love introducing other people to new things, seeing their reaction, watching them adjust their world view. Apparently, "you see what you know" (Tony Price), so if I know a lot, I will see many things. I go to school to see new things, to learn how to see things in different ways, and in the long run try to help people to see things in new ways. I want to show people that living is not a zero sum game, though the dominant world system seems to think so. Sure, our resources are scarce, but if the rule says matter cannot be created nor destroyed, obviously a rearrangement of the status quo is possible.

I apply for placements and slightly scary responsibility-full jobs to expand this goal out of my comfort zone. I want to be part of the BIGGEST and the BEST things, but that requires me to start somewhere. I will not feel comfortable with something until after I feel a little uncomfortable, and comfort is mediocre at best. This is the hardest part. I've been told not to fear failure, and that I will miss 100 percent of the shots I don't take. So, I do scary things to face this fear of failure, and prove to myself that it is an illusion.

So often work seems like the odd thing out. Time spent with little relevance to my hopes, dreams and fears. It is comfortable, time consuming and irrelevant. But, it is also the easiest to understand. I work so that I can go to Cuba over christmas, so that I can drink second cup raspberry tea, so that I can buy Midnight's Children, so that I can take the bus to CPAR, so that I can chew gum and do yoga. I work so that one day 'work' won't seem like the odd thing out, but rather the vehicle to face fear and show others my world.

It takes me remembering these things to realize that this is not a getting-through-it phase, but part of life. I will always have times that aren't fun fun fun, but this doesn't mean that they are separate from real life. I used to classify life into kate-living and kate-doing, the former being the good parts of life and the latter the less interesting. But, in truth, the getting-through-it bits are fully integrated into the whole thing. I am not going to wake up one day and be grown up and settled and happy. And if I look at them this way, the getting-through-it bits aren't really just about getting-through-it after all.

And with that I can get back to work.

share-ation

When I hear, do or see something nice, or lovely, or beautiful, my immediate reaction is to want to share it. The difficulty is how exactly to get the person who I'm sharing my excitement with to acutally share the excitement. This problem is exacerbated by the fact that I often get very excited (to the point of chills) about things I can't quite put my finger on. Last night I got excited about an inpromptu private art show in my room when the combination of the tree outside my window and the fire truck with its lights flashing across the road projected a perfect, if decidedly abstract, video instilation on my wall. In my mind the "artist" was attempting to illustrate the seemingly seamless co-existance of man-made and natural objects that combine to make a city larger than the sum of its parts. Or today, when reading Focus in the Saturday Globe, I got all tingly about members of the Chinese diaspora in Canada returning to China to pursue a new/old life. How do I try to get you to feel those tingles if I have no idea what they were about? Yet, I desperatly want you to. I think that somewhere deep down, I want someone to be lucky enough to experience life as I do.

I'm lying in bed with i. He's up early for rowing, and I'm in bed late after a late shift. We're out of sync in a nice way. I'm just paying attention to breathing and rain and the day's events. I'm surprised at the smile that comes to my face and the satisfaction it indicates.

Lately, I've been encouraged by many to start to streamline, and to work with focus towards my passions and goals...my future. But this is more complicated than it seems, as I'm apassionate. Or perhaps multipassionate, which tends to dilute passion for any one thing. I'm into art. I'm into beautiful things. I like good food, and bad food A LOT. I like doing my own thing. I like doing things with other people. I think being a waitress is fun. The middle east is an interesting region, and so is south asia. Conservative fiscal budgets sometimes make sense, accompanied by a lot of overseas development assistance and good social welfare. I want to be wealthy, but not increase the gap between rich and poor. I think the economic aspects of development are important. So are the health ones. And the environmental ones. And I really like eating vegetables with a knife and fork.

This plethora of interests and beliefs makes streamlining complicated. My direction is foggy. I've been satiated for a while with staying in Toronto and taking a interdisciplinary degree, but now that it's coming to an end...my career is coming to a start and I must focus. I must make choices leading to a semi specific outcome.

The trouble is coming up with that semi specific outcome that I belive will satisfy in the long run. So, I am dissatisfied. But, in the meantime, satisfied.

granted

My lovely world crashed a little the other day (however it seems to have righted itself now). In the blur of happiness and summer fun, combined with life-sucking jobs, I found myself in a brief crisis of lies, not getting things done, and more responsibility. The main problem in these situations is how hard I am on myself. The feelings of guilt and failure set in. I missed a deadline (I had send my application, but it wasn't up to par) for placement, because I don't have a computer and therefore neglect my inbox. My sublet decided to move out, and so I could perhaps find myself paying two rents in July. Worst of all I ditched Jen for a guy and lied about it (for about 5 minutes before I called her back in tears apologizing!). Today, however, is sunny, and I've got money in my pocket. I like the colour of my hair.

When things start to crumble, though, you realize how much good there is that you take for granted.

Kate

Method to Live

Blogs induce a certain degree of guilt, and I have decided that this guilt is completely not useful. Moreover, it implies a feeling of responsibility to one's readers, and since I have very few, it is still more irrational to feel guilty. As a result, this is my last apology for infrequent posting: I am sorry that I post infrequently. From now on, I am adopting the attitude that infrequent posting simply reflects my status quo, and is therefore a fundemental element of attempting to document my life online.

Today it is rainy, and I feel sort of like I am in a subtropical semi-arid montane forest because I have my windows open and a fern near my window...okay it's a long shot, but entirely satisfying no less. I am trying to study for my three upcoming exams- south asian politics, french, and conservation of tropical forests- but am consumed by thoughts of my future.

I was thinking about something Grant said on his blog about lifestyle careers, and have decided that I am either not trendy enough, or too trendy, and don't want that at all. I've decided that through my life I've succeeded entirely by chance. Basically, nice things just keep happening to me. So, flipant as this sounds, it is my aim to go on in this fashion. As long as I can keep running into new opportunities every time I feel the need for transition, I am happy to just go with what presents itself to me, as one thing always leads to another. Perhaps it's what is known as the "hands off" approach to life...or maybe the "I have no idea what I want, but just about anything sounds good" approach.

The fact that I've got about 5 years planned that completely complies with this notion of floating career bodes well for this experiment. Constant monitoring and evaluation to follow.

Loca

Disclaimer: we are all crazy.

Post body:

Living in a house of crazy people has helped me to relax. Illogical you say? No. Crazy people make me want to be less crazy, more accepting of the status quo, and appreciative of the things I do have in life that are wonderful. So, when people stress disproportionatly about school, or put too much emphasis on comparative marks, or cry because the vibe in the house is overwhelming, I feel able for the first time in my life to step back and not be influenced by people around me as much as I have been in the past. I have finally figured out how to live beside people, and not become them. So, with this very zen attitude, I have found peace and love in my house. Of course, I have long loved the individuals in my house, but the entire makeup- building, inhabitants, auras and all- has emerged in my mind as this entirely entertaining and entirely wonderful component of my current happy life. No doubt this has something to do with the fact that our time together is coming to an end and things are always better when you know you're leaving, but still I'd like to think that I've grown this year: grown in happiness, grown in tolerance, and also grown in less streamlined ways.

Multiple choice

I told a friend of mine last year that it wasn't often that I felt I had to make big decisions, or rather that my decision is usually 'both'. Yet, every once in a while the need for a decision comes by and virtually debhilitates me. I think this comes from the same place that my desire to be a secretary plus comes from. I want to work for a genius, enabling his/her decisions, but not making my own.

The case is similar now. I have two almost placement offers...two maybes. Both provide me with completely different information, making comparison very difficult, and for both the information is only half there. Yet, both want to know where I stand in the placement process (ie: if I'm working for a different placement, they want to drop me out of the selection). Okay, so I tell both that I'm interested and prolong the decision for one more step. But what then?

The first, I talked about earlier. It would be with WUSC and a small local NGO on the south east coast of Sri Lanka, working with Tsunami victims. So current! So exciting! Buddhists, civil conflict and rainforests oh my!

The second is with PWS&D and the Institute for Development Education in Chennai, India. I would work in the villages outside of the city for 6 months, and then in the city slums for 3 months. The final three months would be research based. The work would be based around women's empowerment, literacy, economics, and child labour issues. Wow! So intense! So self directed! So throwing me in the deep end!

In multiple choice, when you don't know how to decide, they say to pick the longest answer. I don't think the decision will be so easy!

Kate

Bailarphobia

There is something that terrifies me about salsa dancing. My friend is a fan, and people back from placement in South America do it at any chance they get. But it scares me shitless. Is this a legacy of dancing lessons with my father taught by Bernard? Or what? Really, this phobia is ridiculous and obscure. Simply for that reason I must overcome. I almost made it out to learn tonight, but not quite. Manyana.

Picking Favourites

Terribly social all of a sudden. Who knew it was so easy? There's always something to do. Could it be that I've finally found my place in Toronto, only to be leaving it in the next month or four? Alas, the problem with moving about is that you have too many terrific friends in so many places, and lack the ability to maintain daily interaction with them. Sarah said to me the other day that it was amazing because most of her favourite people were in the same city all at once and that had never happened before. I can't imagine that ever happening! It would have to be a mixture of Holland, BC, Toronto, and France. And perhaps a little London and Tanzinia thrown in. But, instead of analysis and planning, I should be content with the status quo, and the fact that so far this semester, every day has been filled with something wonderful.

Gotta get through this

I struggle with 'getting through it' phases of life. I quite like life in general, and there are some really excessively great bits, but sometimes I find that I try, but can't seem to like what's going on. I mean, I can see technically that I shouldn't hate it, and there's lots of great things going on at the same time, but my emotions are just not responding favourably. Perhaps an example will be more illustrative. I am in my third year crunch: the past two weeks have been the hardest academically to get through so far in my uni career, and I can't wait for the next two to be over, because they're mental as well. But in my heart I feel that I shouldn't hate it- I like school, and I don't like having 'get through it' times because I feel that then all the normal (like school, work) bits of my life will be get throughs to the exceptionally good bits. Maybe what I'm asking of myself is to just enjoy everyday life more, and that's the problem. I used to like everyday life much better than I do right now, but I feel like I should right now also because the same things are going on. Also, I would like to be able to control my happiness...say that I'm going to be happy about this and then-ta da- I would be happy about it. And then eventually I wouldn't have to think about it, I would just be happy about everything (or most things). People suggest that I should pay attention to the good details more, but I don't think that's the issue- I see good things everywhere, my heart just doesn't see them. I suppose it's an issue of needing to be surprised by joy: one can't look for it. But how do I stop looking?

Party analysis

Why is it that I only party in Europe? Do we have some going out deficiency here in Canada? Is it the people I hang out with? It seems that it's so much of an effort here, cause you've gotta get all fancied up, and end up taxiing home, money... lineups, bla bla bla. I miss being in the same place every friday night in Doetinchem; what does it take for that to happen here? I'm sure that it's got a lot to do with me and my butterflys about coordinating outings- I never want to lead the way and have it be a failure! I think it also has to do with only having a limited number of friends here...in Victoria it's easier, though not as great as in Holland, because you know that you'll know someone no matter what. Even in Montreal I found it tough, even with the copious venues, as I felt I didn't really have anyone to ask, and even those I did it stressed me out to plan something. Basically, I just wanna be able to call someone up, and go for a beer, and then dance my ass off, without it being such a hassle!

So, this becomes my homework: find a venue to enable zero stress going out, go...with or without a posse, and one day a posse will develop.

Yo

I think that fall is my favourite season. I always go in for transition, although I tend not to deal with it very well. Fall is one of those times that catches up (or slows down) to fit my state of mind. I feel like a cozy and solitary but on the go person most of the time, and fall is that time of year. You bundle up to go out, but still go out. Everything feels so alive, and the weather is perfect for my favourite new look: old man chic. Thank you value village for your trench coats and wool pants. Anyway, I must go and enjoy my season. Peace.

life

I feel like I have a lot of posts that are entitled life. I define life sort of separate from living. Right now I'm in a life phase, because my days are full full full, but I've got no exceptional stories to recount as a result. I wake up at 7, eat breakfast, go to school, maybe go to work or the gym or do homework, and sometimes paint, go out, and eat gyros, which fills my day completely until 11:30 when I fall into bed exhausted. Then, of course, it starts all over again. Living, on the other hand, provides the kind of entertainment I know you, the four that read my blog, love and want.

However, I must admit that I'm finding huge satisfaction and general happiness as a result of life right now. I'm keeping up with myself for the first time in ages, and producing output. Hurrah. Really, I don't know anyway else to explain it.

Oranje

Ah. The Virus is gone. I have my own computer once again, and there is noone staying in our guest room for the moment (only for the moment), so I can breathe and blog.

Since the last series of less than enthusiastic blogs, my general temperament has become much better. I seem to have reached an equilibrium between work and play...though there are some extras I should also be working on (must pick and sign up for my courses by next wednesday.)

I know that this sounds nearly terrible, but others inability to cope in certain situations makes me realize that my capability is actually greater than I sometimes think. Lately, the deli has been mayhem, first with the steet fair, and now since Mila (the store manager) has left. Occasionally I feel my irk increasing, but mostly I just do my best. Many of the others get more and more pessamistic, more and more stressed. I may worry, and I may over analyze, but luckily not nearly as much as some people. Funny that the deli always helps put things in perspective for me.

In other news, Vive le Pays Bas!

Love kate

OOps

Don't think I finished my last blog. Sorta indicative of how I feel about Kidding Just at the moment...about how I feel in general. Perhaps General should be a proper noun. I'm in a fabulous city, and a fabulous part of a fabulous city, but feel bored and alone a lot of the time. I think it's a product of living surrounded by people for the past year that I've completely forgotten what it was like to entertain myself, as I've done in every other city I've ever been to, apart from Toronto. I try to force myself out of the bubble that holds me back from exploring and adventuring sans roommates. Still working on it.

As I do with most things, I've tried to discover a remedy to the things that ail me, and here's what I've come up with. And, as per usual, they are fairly standard however hard to come up with slash implement. I will get out more...I will try to meet other people...I will follow my heart, responding eagerly to its call to excitement...I will say yes to every opportunity that presents itself (easier when I felt slightly more wealthy)...I will regain my academic vigour, as a month off of internalizing important information is surely long enough...I will maybe once in a while go for a run.

SO, as I often say, wish me luck.